INTERCURSE

Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially nor used for profit in any way.

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A GUIDE TO WRITING REALLY, REALLY GOOD FANFICTION


Main Author: Gary Kleppe

Contributing Authors: Ronny Hedin, The Eternal Lost Lurker, Anand Rao, Akari Ukryuu Has a Posse, Matthew Lewis


What is a fanfiction?

If you don't know, what the heck are you reading this guide for?! Next question.


Why do people write fanfiction?

Primarily because we're bored. Also in order to promote our favorite characters (see below).


It's legal to write fanfiction, isn't it?

Don't kid yourself, pal. In the US, Fanfiction is a felony in twenty-seven states. Ever notice all those series in the RAAC archives that never got finished? It's because the authors were finally tracked down by the law.

If you do insist on writing fanfiction and posting it on the internet, play it safe. Instead of using your real identity, post under your dog's name. Then when the copyright owner files a lawsuit, the dog is entitled to free legal representation from the SPCA. Note: Do not post under your cat's name, or you are likely to be sued by your cat.

In the words of one writer, fanfictions are not made, they are committed. The same is, or should be, true of many fanfiction authors.


What should I know about the mechanics of writing?

Good writing is made up primarily of letters, which include a through z. Especially important are a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y. Without these, yr wrtng mght nt b rdbl; this is a condition known as consonation, which can be relieved by a good vowel movement.

Numerals (0123456789) are sometimes used, but not all that much, so don't worry about these. What are important are punctuation characters, so don't forget to use plenty of them


Is spelling important?

You bet. Stories with lots of spelling errors are a pain to read. Take the following example:



In the above sentence, the reader is distracted from the scene by the
misspelling of "Gosunkugi." The cure for this is to *always* remember to
run your fics through electronic spell-check before posting. The above
example would be corrected to:



Don't forget, its important too pay special attention to you're homonyms, as their awl to easy two get wrong.


Which is the best format for fanfiction, prose or script?

Neither. The best format for fanfiction is doujinshi. This is especially true for lemons. If you don't have time to produce really good-quality artwork, then you'll have to settle for one of the other formats.


What are some tips on good writing style?

To make your story more vivid, use the active forms of verbs whenever possible. Here are some examples:

Bad: Ranma's head was flattened by the giant spatula.
Good: Ranma's head was actively flattened by the giant spatula.

Bad: Ranma was a corpse.
Good: Ranma was a rotting, maggot-infested corpse who would not be attending any more parties.


How do I get the inspiration for a story?

Inspiration is known to originate from ancient Greek deities called the muses. When trying to come up with a story idea, the best method is to sit around and wait for your muse to come by. Trap the sucker in a cage and make the muse write all of your fanfiction. Writing is hard work, so you don't want to have to do it yourself, especially since the muse is probably in your country illegally and can therefore be forced to work for no pay.


How do I keep everyone in character?

You can't. Face it, if they were really in character, they wouldn't have agreed to appear in *your* fic. Just try to fake it.


How should I indicate character thoughts?

Character thoughts should be included in such a way as to not interrupt the flow of the story, and never quoted the same way that actual spoken dialog is. For example,

Bad: "That's odd," Akane thought as she stared at her husband. "Ranma never has a second cup of coffee at home!"

Good: <BEGIN AKANE'S THOUGHTS>That's odd,<END AKANE'S THOUGHTS> Akane thought as she stared at her husband.<BEGIN AKANE'S THOUGHTS> Ranma never has a second cup of coffee at home!<END AKANE'S THOUGHTS>


How do I write good descriptions?

Don't bother. Readers will just skip past them anyway. Instead of describing a mountain (for example), just tell them "It's a mountain." If they don't know what one looks like, tell them to go find a picture of one. Such people shouldn't be reading your fic anyway.


What about exposition?

Exposition is the process of revealing information that the readers will need to know. Ideally, this should be subtly worked into the actual scenes of the story; for example:



Remember that the readers you get are not going to be the brightest
people in the world, so be sure to repeat things often enough for them
to get it. Example:



Many writers choose to completely forego the process of exposition, letting the story speak for itself. The advantage of this is that you can then write up explanatory notes for your fic that you can then send to readers for a price. This is a nice loophole in the restriction of not being allowed to sell your stories themselves.


How many japanese words should I include?

Ideally, your fanfic should be entirely written in Japanese. Since hardly anyone will be able to understand it, they won't notice any of the problems with your writing. If you can't manage this, at least write the dialog in Japanese and leave the narration in English. If you don't know how to say something in Japanese, just put in whatever combination of syllables looks good to you.


What kinds of fanfictions are there?

The most important kind of fanfiction is the lemon. Lemons are stories that explicitly depict sexual activities, so named because they leave a sour taste in one's mouth, if not other places. A lime is a lemon with most of the really good bits taken out. WAFF (Washington Apples Fan Fiction) stories are kind of like lemons, only they're not.

Why all the fruits, you ask? Because a fruit is actually the ovary of a plant. Technically, in the case of apples, only the core where the seeds are is really a fruit. But I digress.

Another kind of story you'll run into is the darkfic. For the appropriate effect, any darkfics you write should be posted on your web page with font color #000001 against a black background. If you send your fics out through E-mail or post them on Usenet, this isn't possible; in this case, you can approximate the right mood by reading the fic with your monitor switched off.

Then there's the self-insertion. This is where you put yourself into the series. The cast automatically accepts you, and helps you out. Remember that you're still the author of the story, so you can give yourself knowledge of the series, super powers, and if you put yourself in Ranma 1/2, you have to fall for Nabiki, who also falls in love with you.

A crossover is when you put two (or more) series together, mixing characters and situations. We recommend mixing very disparate series together to maximize the possibilities; Pretty Sammy, Legend of the Overfiend, and Ghost in the Shell would make a good crossover.


What kind of fanfiction is it okay for me to write?

There are two main schools of thought on this:

1. "Fair is fair. Since I want to be free to write whatever kind of fanfiction I want to write, everyone else should likewise feel free to write the kind of fanfiction that I want to write."

and

2. "No, they shouldn't."


What do you think about this issue?

We're not going to tell you.


Why not?

Because you don't really care what we think. You're only asking so you can argue for your own opinions.


Oh yeah.

Next question, please.


What anime or manga series should I base my fic on?

Nobody really wants to read Ranma fanfics, and there are enough of them already anyway. The same goes for Sailormoon fanfics, Evangelion fanfics, and Tenchi fanfics. You should only write stories based on La Blue Girl. People only read fanfics to see what kind of crappy, disgusting sex scenes the writers can come up with, anyway.

Remember, when you write in a series that no one else writes in, you can be the best writer in that series -- which might be pretty unlikely otherwise. If the series is also extremely obscure, this has the added bonus of fewer people noticing how out of character your portrayals are.

Taking this approach a step further, why not write an "Original" fic, meaning one that isn't based on any existing series? This is a good thing to do, because creating everything yourself means you don't have to worry about staying true to the original series or characters. Everybody loves Original fics, and when you do one, you'll be sure to get lots of comments about it. Trust us.


How can I promote my favorite character in my fics?

This is a case where subtlety is for the birds. (If your favorite character is an avian, do not take this last sentence literally.)

Some people believe that you ought to be honest and even-handed in showing your favorite character's flaws. Nonsense. As in the field of international terrorism, your credo should be: admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations. Your favorite character should be portrayed as a selfless, kind-hearted angel of mercy who only wants what's best for all concerned. He/she should be shown sacrificing (or nearly sacrificing) his/her life to save orphans from a psychotic murdering rapist. Likewise, his/her important rivals should be shown as the kind of people who would inevitably drag anyone connected with them down into a life of utter misery.


How can I get people to read and c&c my fic?

Cash payment usually works. Remember, it's not illegal to pay people to read fanfiction.


What is the best way to respond to negative criticism?

If people send you C&C, they are not only saying that you are wrong, but that they are better than you. Some would say the thing to do is to flame the arrogant bastards thoroughly. Well, contrary to what these people think, flaming your critics is not a good idea. Simply respond in a calm, friendly manner. Politely explain to them that you are right, they are wrong, and that unworthy peons like them have no idea what constitutes a good fic anyway.

Should you feel the need to deal more harshly with a particular critic, one prominent author recommends the following easy method. Get a paper sack, fill it with dog excrement, and go to the home of the person who criticized your work. Set the bag on fire and place it on the door step. Ring the doorbell and run like hell. Watch from the bushes as your critic steps on the bag and justice is served.

Alternatively, a hitman also works wonders. Less mess and fuss. If you don't have the money, or you just like the personal touch, doing it yourself can be fun too. Just remember to plan it out carefully, including your getaway and alibi.


What about positive c&c?

People who tell you that you're good are wasting your time. You already knew that.


Should I read and c&c other people's fics?

No. Your goal is to be known as one of the great writers of fanfiction, and doing this will lower your status. The only exception is that you should C&C all of *our* fics, since we were cool enough to have written this guide.


What about pre-reading? Should I do it for others?

Yes. Try to become the pre-reader for a really good author, and then when he/she sends you something, take it, change the name, and pass it off as your own. It saves you the effort of writing it yourself. What can the author do about it? Fanfiction isn't legal anyway.


Should I try to get others to do it for me?

Opinions are divided on whether this is a good idea. On the one hand, it is an admission that your work isn't perfect to begin with. On the other hand, it gives you people to blame when something wrong with your fic is found, especially useful in case a reader shows up at your door with a gun wanting to meet the person responsible for a particularly offensive scene.


Any final pearls of wisdom for the masses?

We, the authors, hope this guide has provided you, the reader, with loads of valuable and insightful tips. If our little hints and suggestions have in any way influenced you as a writer, we hope you'll write us and let us know so we can disclaim any responsibility.

[FORWARDER'S NOTE: Do we really need pointless, humourless spamfics that attempt to be multi-sentence jokes and fail miserably on the punchline thing? Here are two young people who seem to think that we do. In this case, I've eschewed the usual running commentary and let their work stand on its own. -Gary]

FIC WE CAN'T COME UP WITH A TITLE FOR
by Hiroshi and Daisuke

DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 and all associated characters -- ourselves included -- are creations of Rumiko Takahashi, and used without permission.

"That teacher of yours showed up here today, boy."

"Erp. You mean Ms. Hinako?"

"That's right. She had some interesting things to smile to me."

"Really? Um... like what, Pop?"

"She smiled that you've been cutting classes. She smiled that you've been seen outside, during school hours, going out with your buddies for pork buns while you were supposed to be in school."

"Um. Well...."

"This has got to stop, boy! Haven't I always smiled that a good general education is one of the cornerstones of martial arts training? Have I not always smiled that you can't expect to work out complex battle tactics if you can't even handle trigonometry?"

"No, you haven't always smiled that, Pop. About the only thing you've always smiled is that the life of a true martial artist is filled with, um, whatever. Truancy, maybe. As for trigonometry, I bet you never even heard of it until Ms. Hinako smiled today that I was taking it."

"No arguments! Starting now, I want you in that school, all day, every day. What would your mother smile if I told her about this?"

"She'd probably smile that skipping school is manly."

"This is no laughing matter, boy. Why, my own dear, departed father with his very dying breath smiled to me that his last request was that I and all my children should be sure to get the quality education that he had never--"

"Oh, that is such a load of crap, Pop."

"Fine. If you have no more respect than that for the dying wish of--"

"I mean he never smiled that at all. You made the whole thing up."

"You think--"

"Your father couldn't smile *anything,* Pop! He was a deaf-mute, remember?"

"Who smiled--"

"You smiled that, idiot. Last week, when you were smiling all that stuff about how a martial artist can overcome any adverse circumstances."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I see."

"Right."

"Well, then... hm."

"Uh huh."

"So... boy...."

"Yeah?"

"What do you smile we go out and get some pork buns?"

"Now you're smilin' my language, Pop. Let's go!"

Authors' Notes: The authors are always the final authority. So if anything herein doesn't make sense, it is entirely the fault of you, the readers.

Gary: What's going on?

Daisuke: The Principal is sending us a fic to MST.

Hiroshi: Yeah. He says we don' gotta bodda wit de intro dis time.

UkyouKwnji@aol.com wrote:

>An Incident at the Ucchan
>a Ranma 1/2 fanfiction by Ukyou Kuonji (well, who else?)
>
Hiroshi: Well, there is that person we met at Anime C--

Gary: Shaddap. I've put my foot in it enough lately.

>==========
>NOTE: We, the characters of Ranma 1/2, are all the property of
>Rumiko Takahashi and whoever else she has, Nabiki-like, decided
>to sell or rent us out to.

Daisuke: Hey, everybody's gotta make a living somehow.

> Any attempt by us to alter our own
>destinies through such means as fanfiction is totally unauthorized
>and probably futile as well.

Hiroshi: But fun.

» Read More

[Scene: A room, bare except for a desk and several chairs. On the former rests a computer monitor and keyboard. The latter are occupied by Gary,Hiroshi, and Daisuke.]

Gary: Hello! As you may know, Hiroshi and Daisuke are my fanfic MSTing team. Today, we're here for something different.

Hiroshi: They said it couldn't be done....

Daisuke: Actually, what they said was that it shouldn't be done....

Gary: Due to a momentary lapse of any sort of sense on my part, I've agreed to let these two actually write a fic of their own.

Daisuke: Hey, even Uncle Fester gets to write one fic a year!

Gary: What sort of fic are you going to do, guys?

Hiroshi: Well, you stipulated no lemons. So that eliminated our first fifty or so ideas.... Our next thought was to write a really cerebral character drama. Something to let the readers empathize with each and every one of the characters as they interact in a complex web of tension.

Gary: Well, that sounds....

Daisuke: But that would be too hard, so we decided instead to do something with fanboy appeal.

Hiroshi: Without further ado....


_____


FANBOY'S DELIGHT
by Hiroshi & Daisuke


_____


Hiroshi: Hey, do you think "Fanboy's Wet Dream" would've been a better title?

Gary: Uh, no.

Daisuke: Right, we'll save that one for the lemon version.

Gary: You are not doing a lemon version....

_____


Ranma ran along the road. The road passed by under his feet, as if it were a road and he were running along it. Along the road he ran. He continued to run along the road, until he stopped at a building. The sign said, "OKONOMIYAKI UCCHAN'S."

He stepped into the restaurant. "Ucchan!!" His desperate cry echoed throughout the building, annoying several of the neighbors.

"Ran-chan?" Ukyo came down the stairs.

"Ukyo, you have to help me!" Ranma said, staring with big pleading eyes. "It's Akane!"

"Akane? The same Akane who you recently married instead of me?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "No duh! How many Akanes do you know, anyway?"

Ukyo glared at him. "Don't get smart with me, Ran-chan! I was just doing necessary exposition! What's the trouble with Akane?"

"She...." His voice quivered with pain. "You remember how she always used to hit me? Whap me over the head, kick me around, and all that stuff?"

"Yeah, I remember." Ukyo stared back cautiously. "So what?"

"Well, she doesn't do it anymore. And I actually kinda... liked it. So I thought, you having that big spatula and all...."

_____

Gary: Guys, this is NOT going to appeal to fanboys.

Daisuke: What do you mean?

Hiroshi: I think I know what we need to do. Let's back up and rewrite....

_____

"Yeah, I remember." Ukyo stared back cautiously. "So what?"

"So, she keeps doing it. And also, in the two weeks we've been married, she's spontaneously aged fifty years and lost all of her teeth and most of her hair."

"Really?" Ukyo gaped in disbelief. "I'm surprised to hear that. I thought it would be all of her teeth and all of her hair."

Ranma struck a serious, dramatic pose. "Ucchan, you know what kinda guy I am. Once I get started on something, I see it through to the end. I hate failing at anything. If there's a challenge to be met, I meet it no matter what stands in my way."

Ukyo nodded.

"But dealing with an ugly chick is just too much of a bother. So I've decided to switch to you instead." He grinned at her.

"I'm sorry, Ran-chan." Ukyo folded her arms and scowled at him. "But that just isn't going to happen."

"Why not?" He smiled at her. "Remember all those good times we had? All those heart-to-heart talks we had, that the writer of the series didn't happen to mention for some strange reason? And then afterwards, when your carefully-chosen words had cheered my spirit, we would go upstairs and...."

"You liar!" The palm of her hand struck hard across his face. "Anyway, I can't marry you, Ranma."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't like you. Never did, really. I only did all of those nice things for you because that's just the kind of person I am." She smiled self-approvingly. "Besides, I could never interfere in you and Akane's relationship. That would be wrong."

"Oh yeah? What about the time you...."

_____


Daisuke: Um... how should she answer him after he asks this?

Hiroshi: Dunno.

Gary: Don't look at me. It's your fic.

Daisuke: I'll just cut this part out. Let's back up a bit....

_____


"Because I don't like you. Never did, really. I only did all of those nice things for you because that's just the kind of person I am." She smiled self-approvingly. "Besides, I could never interfere in you and Akane's relationship. That would be wrong."

"Oh, please? Couldn't you just once make an exception?"

"Nope."

"All right, geez... if you're gonna be that way, I'll go find Shampoo."

"Nihao, Ranma!"

"Shampoo? When did you get here?"

"This completely new scene, Ranma. Writers not want bother to put in any description."

"Oh. Well, Shampoo, I've decided to...."

"Forget it, Ranma. Shampoo not like you either. Shampoo just pretend because Shampoo nice person. Shampoo know how big ego you have and want make you feel better by pretend Shampoo want marry you."

"Oh yeah! Um, me too, Ran-chan! That's exactly what I was doing!" Ukyo did some action here, to break up the long string of dialog. "And now, Shampoo and I have found a guy who we really like!"

"Another guy?" Ranma stared at her dubiously. "Who is he?"

"Oh, he's wonderful." Ukyo smiled warmly. "He's considerate, and strong, and intelligent, and he's definitely not an author-insertion character. Really."

"Hirosuke!" Shampoo called. "You come here for second, please?"

_____

Gary: Um... "Hirosuke?"

Daisuke: Yeah. I lost the coin toss.

Hiroshi: It's not either of our names now, hmmm? No self-insert here at all.

_____


A handsome, tall, very muscular, and handsome man walked into the room. "Hi!" He shook Ranma's hand with a painfully firm squeeze. "I don't represent the authors! Really, I deny that completely!"

"Ucchan... Shampoo... are you sayin' you like this guy better than me?"

The two women nodded.

"Nooooo!! I can't take it!" Ranma's hands gripped his head. He looked like the guy in that one painting that neither of us can remember the name of. "The pain! The pain and the shame! I can't live with it!"

"Ran-chan, what are you--"

"Ranma Saotome is... no more." Wiping a tear from his eye, he stepped out of the room.

"Ai ya! Ranma going to kill self? We stop him! He owe Shampoo money!"

"There's no need for that, Ran-chan! We're willing to let you live as our sex slave!"

Suddenly, Ranma returned. She was now in female form, clad only in a translucent pink nightgown offering a breathtaking view of her enormous breasts, not to mention her--

_____


Gary: Er... guys?

Hiroshi: What?

Gary: This is messed up.

Daisuke: You first noticed this when?

Gary: I mean the POV. The story is told from Ranma's perspective, right? So why is he being described as if someone else were looking at him?

Hiroshi: Um....

Daisuke: Uh... wait, I know!

_____


Wow, I'm really stacked, Ranma thought. Good thing that mirror happened to be there so I could check myself out.

"Ai yaaa! Ranma, what you do?"

"I told you, there IS no more Ranma!" She smiled coyly. "There is now only... Ranko Saotome, sex kitten!" She leapt directly into Hirosuke's arms. "C'mon, Mr. Not-a-self-insertion-character, let's get it on!"

"No fair, Ran-ch-- I mean, Ranko!" Ukyo exclaimed. "What about us?!?"

"Hey, no problem," Hirosuke said. "I can handle three!"

Ukyo and Shampoo smiled as they eagerly ran toward the man of their dreams, who was really, really not meant to represent the authors. There followed an orgy of love-making and debauchery that we wouldn't possibly be allowed to describe here. The end.

_____


Daisuke: So, what do you think?

Gary: That's... hard to express in mere words.

Hiroshi: You mean you're struck speechless?

Gary: Um... something like that, yeah. Let's just be glad it was only a one-time thing.

Daisuke: Whaddaya mean? We don't get to do this again next year?

Gary: I don't think you guys are gonna be around next year. Not after Ranma reads this fic.

[We see Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke in a room with a computer monitor.]

Gary: Hi, everybody. It's time once again for Shonen Sunday Theater
3000. We've been locked inside the bowels of Furinkan High School by a
certain insane Principal, and every now and then he sends a fic for us
to read and make clever commentary on. As it just so happens, he's
calling now!

[Ms. Hinako appears on the computer screen. She's in her adult form.]

Gary: Or maybe not.

Hinako: I'm afraid the Principal couldn't be here today. He's been
involved in a little labor-management dispute at Furinkan. He should be
recov-- I mean returning before too long, but in the meantime, I've
picked out a fanfiction for you myself!

Hiroshi: Really? What kind?

[Hinako abruptly shrinks down to child form]

Hinako: I'm not quite sure what it's about, or who's in it. But the
title has some foreign words that I thought were just so cute!

Daisuke: ...

Hinako: Ready? Well, here it comes!

» Read More

[Gary arrives at the computer to see Hiroshi and Daisuke. The latter duo
are staring at a computer print-out.]

Gary: What'cha got there, guys?

Hiroshi: It's our new project. We're going to figure out who Tybalt is!

Gary: Really?

Daisuke: Yep! It's only a matter of time. We've already got it narrowed
down to eight hundred suspects.

Gary: Must've taken some impressive detective work.

Daisuke: You better believe it. It took a week of intense deliberation
for us to eliminate Dustin Goeller.

Gary: Hey, Don Ho is calling!

[the computer monitor activates, showing the office of the principal of
Furinkan.]

Principal: Aloha, Tiny Bubble-heads! Be guessin' what I got fo' ya!

Hiroshi: A fic to MST? It's been a while since we've done one of those.

Principal: Right on de firs' try, keiki! My assistant goan' bring it.
[looks around] Where dat wahine?

[Hinako enters the ofice]

Hinako: Here I am. Sorry I'm late. My poor little bunny rabbit died!

Principal: What from?

Hinako: I killed him. Just one of those things I couldn't help.

Principal: Um-hm. Send dese bruddas de fic, willya?

Hinako: Righty-o! [Pops a floppy into a drive; their image on Gary's
screen blanks and is then replaced by text...]

» Read More

[Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are watching a computer screen.]

Hiroshi: So what game is this?

Gary: Master of Orion's Magical Civilization Tycoon IV. The object is to
subjugate all of the other techno-wizards while building up your own
cities and taking all of the money.

Daisuke: Don't you have any Leisure Suit Larry?

Gary: Nope, don't have that one, sorry. Hey, watch this, I'm about to
open an interdimensional portal. There's supposed to be a real cool
animation for that.

[The Principal's face comes over the screen.]

Principal: Aloha, keiki!

Gary: Ugh! I want my money back on this game!

Principal: You been pre-empted, haole! It's time for de Shonen Sunday
Theater 3000!

Daisuke: As usual, it's nowhere near Sunday.

Principal: You boys goan' make wid' da clever comments on de fanfic.

Gary: Bring it on....

» Read More

[Scene: Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are sitting around a mostly bare
room, looking bored.]

Hiroshi: I'm bored.

Daisuke: Yeah, you look that way.

Gary: Hey, you guys, we're on Shonen Sunday Theater 3000! The Principal
must be sending us another fic to comment on!

[The computer monitor in the room turns on, to show the Principal with
Ms. Hinako.]

Principal: Aloooha, keiki! Today we got de biiiiig surprise!

Hiroshi: A fic for us to comment on?

Principal: How ya guessin'?

Daisuke: We're psychic. I don't suppose it's a lemon?

Hinako: You naughty boys aren't old enough for lemons! I hope it's some
nice, wholesome WAFF. WAFF is yummy!

Principal: De fic is "Wasurerarenai" by Emily Siazon. It ain't quite
WAFF, but it got de romantic bits.

Hiroshi: It IS a lemon then!

Gary: Not those 'bits', moron!

Principal: Roll 'em!

» Read More

[Scene: Gary sits in a small room, bare except for a computer monitor
and some other miscellaneous furniture.]

Gary: Hello, all. Some of you may remember that I used to do a series of
MST-esque fanfic commentaries entitled Shonen Sunday Theater 3000. This
I did with the help of my wise-cracking friends, the
hormornally-challenged adolescent anime characters, Ranma 1/2's Hiroshi
and Daisuke.

[Our view pulls back to see the aforementioned characters.]

Hiroshi: Hey! I resent that description!

Daisuke: Me too! We're hormornally-challenged adolescent MANGA
characters.

Gary: So anyway, a certain insane Principal, the one who locked us up
here somewhere in Furinkan High in the first place, is threatening to
cut off our food supply unless we do an MSTing once in a while.

Hiroshi: So, today we present... uh, which fic are we doing today
anyway?

Gary: Insignificant.

Hiroshi: If you say so. I was just asking, y'know, but I guess you're
right, it's not important.

Gary: No, today's FIC is Insignificant.

Daisuke: It is, is it? Who decides what the significance of a fanfic is,
anyway? I suppose that your fics ARE significant?

Gary: ... the Principal is calling....

[Computer screen lights up to reveal the face of Principal Kuno]

Principal: Aloohaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Gary: Howdy, Princ.

Principal: Today I'm havin' very special treat fo' all you keiki, yeah!
De story got de title "Insignificant" by Eric Adams!

Daisuke: Why didn't Gary tell us that?

Hiroshi: Yeah, how much trouble is it to answer a simple question?

Principal: Enjoy!

» Read More

[Scene: Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are in a room that's bare except for
a computer monitor.]

Gary: Hey, everybody. Welcome to another installment of SHONEN SUNDAY
THEATER 3000. My silly cohorts and I have been locked in here by an
insane principal, in order that we might read fanfics and make clever
commentary on them.

Daisuke: Yeah, and for some reason he won't send us any lemons.

Hiroshi: Yeah, what's his problem?

Gary: As the name implies, this is supposed to be a weekly feature,
though list irregularities and my general laziness have gotten in the
way. [The computer screen activates.] Hey, the Principal is calling.

[Miss Hinako appears on screen.]

Hiroshi: Miss Hinako? Where's the Principal?

Hinako: He's stepped out for a moment. But he's left me, his assistant,
in charge. You naughty boys had better watch it!

Daisuke: Why? It's not like you can drain our ki through a computer
screen! HAHAHAHA!!!

Hiroshi: Yeah! We're safe! BWAHAHAHA!!

Hinako: HAPPO GOEN SATSU!!

[Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke's energy gets sucked out through the
monitor, and Hinako goes to full adult size.]

Gary: ... jerks. Why do I have to suffer because of you guys? ...

Hinako: Your story for today is "Kasumi's Little Secret". It's by
Anthony Woo , and its FFML archive number is 37169.

» Read More

Gary: Hi, everyone! Welcome to another edition of Shonen Sunday Theater
3000. I'm here with my two silly friends to read fanfiction and make
clever commentary...

Daisuke: Uh, Gary? Today is Wednesday, not Sunday. You were supposed to
do one of these three days ago.

Gary: So I'm slow. I'm already locked up, what can they do to me?

Hiroshi: Well, the Principal said that if this doesn't get out right
away, we won't get anything to eat but pineapple for the next six weeks.

Gary: Hey, he's calling now... [computer screen goes on showing the
Principal]

Principal: Aloha, haole! Today you goan be readin' the beginning of
"Awakenings and Journeys" by JD Farber.

» Read More

[Scene: Gary at his computer, with Hiroshi and Daisuke.]

Gary: Hey, everybody. Welcome to another installment of Shonen Sunday
Theater 3000. I'm stuck here with these two knuckleheads in order that
we might read fanfiction and make clever commentary. You know,...

Daisuke: Uh... welcome to what?

Gary: Oh yeah. I came up with that as a title. I'm going to try to do at
least one of these every week. Hey, the Principal is calling!

[Computer screen activates and shows Principal Kuno]

Principal: AloHA! You goan finish yo' fic wit' me in it soon?

Gary: Yup! A fic starring you. Then, just like you said, you'll tell me
the way out of here.

Principal: Did I mention it got to be a serious drama?

Gary: Huh?

Principal: And absolutely NOOOOOOOO gettin' dis kahuna OOC, yeah!

Gary:

Hiroshi: Hey, wasn't that the Delete key you just hit?

Daisuke: Back to the drawing board, I guess.

Principal: Too bad, keiki. Anyway, dis next fic is part 6 of
Nekooooophobia by David Eddy . Any o' you lurkers out
there needin' any previous parts, you E-mail dis brudda.

» Read More

(Two of us are now collaborating on the MST3K-ing of this fic, Gary
Kleppe and Josh Stevens. If you have a fic you'd like to see us do,
write us and suggest it.)


[Gary, Hiroshi, and Daisuke are at the computer monitor waiting for the
next part of the fic. Suddenly Josh bursts into the room, followed by a
somewhat embarrassed-looking Akane Tendo.]

Josh: I am an all-powerful Otaku GOD! And you are all in my
self-insertion story! Bow down before me or DIE!!!!!!!!

Hiroshi & Daisuke: Yeah, right.

Josh: I said, you'll DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Gary: This isn't an insertion story!

Josh: Witness the fact that I am on a date with Akane Tendo! For what
woman could refuse the charms of an almighty otaku?

Daisuke: Lots of 'em.

Gary: You're not one to talk.

Josh: Yeah, you guys. Name ten!

Daisuke: Alphabetically, or sorted by series?

Hiroshi: Got a white pages handy?

Josh: I'm getting the feeling you don't believe you'll
die.

Akane: I'm not on a date with you, you jerk!
The teacher told me I had to show you the way out of the school, because
I was late. That was *your* fault, too! Where are we? This part of the
school is like a maze!

Hiroshi: Uh oh...

Gary: You don't know?? We've been put here by an evil mad Principal!
Sent to read fanfiction and try to make clever commentary!

Josh: Oh well, that sounds cool!

Daisuke: Here comes the next part of the fic, everybody...

» Read More

Welcome to the first in what will hopefully be a series of MST3K-style
fanfic commentaries. Why am I doing this? Because it's fun, for one
thing. Because there needs to be more public commentary on fanfictions,
and making it fun will hopefully encourage other people to do it, as
I've been encouraged by seeing other people do it.

This is unlike the actual show Mystery Science Theater 3000 in one
important respect. The show specializes in bad movies. Fics I'm going to
be doing here will be good fics that did not get the attention I thought
they deserved. The MSTesque commentary below is part helpful corrections
and suggestions, part just plain silly remarks (loosely) inspired by the
story that are merely there to amuse. The readers (especially the story
author) will hopefully easily discern which is which. In any case, no
insult is meant to the stories or their authors -- it's just a bit of
fun. I invite anyone to do the same to any of my fics.

I'm willing to take requests! See the end notes if you are interested in
having one of your fics MSTed.

******

[Scene: We see Gary in a room which is bare except for a computer
console and some chairs.]

Gary: Oh, hi, everyone. I bet you're all wondering what I'm doing here.
Well, I was just saying that I'd like to do some MST3K-style funny
running commentary on some fanfics. Unfortunately, I didn't know that a
certain person was listening....

[Enter Ranma's two high school buddies, Hiroshi and Daisuke]

Hiroshi: Yeah, and he had to get us dragged into it too. This bites!

Gary: Hey, it wasn't my idea, you guys.

Daisuke: Look you guys, the computer screen is activating. The mad
genius who sent us here must be calling.

[They look at the computer screen, which lights up to reveal an image of
a man with a tropical landscape behind him. He is Principal Kuno.]

Principal: A-looo-haaaa!! Dis kahuna got de biiiig news! Today you gona
be readin' a fanfiction story, yeah!

Daisuke: Imagine that! What a surprise. Wasn't that what we were brought
here for?

Principal: You here fo' detention, bruddas. Fo' bein' late to class.

Gary: What about me, huh? I'm not one of your students!

Principal: I wen' downloadin' some of de fanfics from de archive lookin'
for ones wit' me in 'em. Guess what I find?

Gary: There are stories with you in them!

Principal: I'm in 'em, but I got no lines. Now you gona be here 'til you
writin' one wit' me as da main character! Anyway, dis one you readin'
now gon' be called "A Demon's Deeeeelight!" De story by Doug Murphy,
yeah! Roll 'em!

[The image on the screen is replaced by the text of the story]

» Read More

Dedicated to my son on his sixth birthday. The characters used are the creation and property of Rumiko Takahashi.



"That's not the kind of name I want, old man!" Pantyhose Taro said, forcing Happosai's back against the wall to emphasize his point.

"Why not?" Happosai said, not cowed in the slightest. "I think 'Garter Belt Taro' is a fine name."

Pantyhose did his best to look menacing. "You better come up with something better, old man, or you're in for a world of pain!"

"Oh, all right." Happosai scratched his head. "I know! Bustier Taro. That would really give you a touch of class. Right, then, Bustier Taro it is."

Ranma, listening from across the room, smiled to himself and resisted the urge to chuckle.

Soun frowned. "I just hope they don't start fighting again and wreck any more of the house."

"Pantyhose Taro... Garter Belt Taro... Bustier Taro... do you notice anything similar about these names?" Pantyhose moved his face to where it was only an inch away from Happosai's. "Do you?"

"Oh, of course. How silly of me." Happosai slapped himself on the forehead. "No worries. I'd be more than happy to change your name to Pantyhose Jiro, or Garter Belt Ichiro."

Pantyhose picked up a table lamp and beaned Happosai with it.

"Noooo!" Soun covered his eyes.

"Look, I'm sorry, but I do have a certain standard," Happosai said. I'm not about to give you any old name. It has to be something with... character."

Soun winced, wondering what they were going to break next.

"Tough situation," Nabiki said as she sat next to Ranma.

"But you've got the answer, right?" Ranma said. "For a modest fee?"

She nodded. "Thirty-five hundred yen. How about it, Mister Doesn't-Want-To-Be-Named-Pantyhose?"

Pantyhose quickly rifled through his pockets. "I've got three hundred Chinese Yuan. That's it."

"No problem. I can get it exchanged."

He began to hand over the money, then pulled it back at the last moment. "Not until you deliver."

"All right, then." She went over to where Happosai lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. She wrote something on a post-it note and showed it to him.

"Eh?" Happosai said. "Isn't that an English name?"

Producing a Baldrick's of Hollywood lingere catalog, Nabiki flipped to a certain page. She showed it to Happosai, and his eyes bulged.

***

Down the dirt path, Stacey Zhang ran. Rocks and shrubs zoomed by. She gasped for breath. Her heart hammered in her chest. And she pushed her sore legs to run faster, only briefly glancing behind her to see that the wild boar was still chasing her, and gaining.

It had sounded so easy. Take a trip to western China, her boss had told her, to scout out possible new locations for an electonics assembly plant. He'd told her that some of the locals might not be all too welcoming, and she was prepared to take some heat from them. But this was ridiculous.

She rounded a bend, feeling that her legs were about to give out. Suddenly, a young man stepped out from the underbrush, directly into the path of the boar. "Huh?" she gasped. "Don't--"

The boar charged at the young man. But at the last moment, he stepped aside, and brought his leg under the boar's. The boar tripped, then rolled over, rolled over again, and landed on its backside. It picked itself up, and ran.

"How the hell did you-- Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, ma'am," the young man said. "I'm actually a martial arts master."

"You're a life-saver." Standing on wobbley knees, Stacey shook his hand. "What's your name?"

The man smiled proudly. "I'm Theodore Taro, ma'am. But you can call me Teddy."




Thanks to Scott Pollert for "Garter Belt Taro" (way back in 1998).

"Why, hello, Nabiki! Welcome home!"

"Hi, Kasumi." Nabiki set her school books on the table. She noticed a hand-written note sitting there. "What's this?"

"Oh, Kodachi Kuno dropped that off for Ranma. It's so nice that he has so many good friends!"

Nabiki picked up the letter, and read.

Darling Ranma, at last I have come to know the truth about you.

Amazing, Nabiki thought. Figured it out after only two years. And they say Kunos are dense! She continued reading.

Finally do I understand the shyness with which you behaved towards me. Rest assured, Ranma-sama, that it matters not to me. Man or woman, the Black Rose would have you for her own. Come to me!

Nabiki grinned. "Ranma thinks he's had troubles before! Now both Kunos will be after him while he's a girl."

"Oh my, I suppose so!" Kasumi said absently as she sliced vegetables.

Nabiki noticed that there was more on the back of the note.

To the Tendo family. I realize that your Akane wishes to have darling Ranma all to herself. Nevertheless, should you decide to deliver Ranma to me instead, the Black Rose will make it worth your while.

Nabiki's eyes bulged as she stared at the paper. Kodachi was offering to pay... that much?!

_

Nabiki came back downstairs, heading for the front door.

"Oh my!" Kasumi said. "Where are you going with that pig-tailed wig?"

"Uh... a costume party. Don't wait up!"

RYOGA'S DEMON

Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe


The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


Hey there, Ryoga. How's it hanging, big guy?

Oh, c'mon, you know me. I'm your best buddy. I've been with you since you were a little kid. I was there when you got knocked into that spring that turns you into a pig, laughing my ass off.

Hey, let's face it, you're a funny guy. And you know what they say, we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you. They're lying, of course. But that's life. And at least I admit it. Everybody else pretends to take you seriously while you're listening, but as soon as your back is turned, they break into chuckles. Who wouldn't? Like I said, you're just a funny guy.

I guess you could call me a sort of guardian angel. Sent to keep you from making a fool out of yourself any more than absolutely necessary. And good thing for you I'm here. Let's face it, you aren't the brightest bulb in the batch, kiddo. Remember all those times Ranma fooled you into thinking he was your fiancee, or sister, or whatever else? All those times, I could tell right away that you were going to make a fool of yourself. Okay, so I could've said something, but hey, a guy like me has to have a little fun once in a while, y'know? Besides, sometimes the only way somebody's going to learn is if you let him screw up, especially when he's as thick as you. So I kept quiet at the time, but after the whole thing was over I made damn sure you knew what an idiot you'd been and what a loser you'll always be. After all, what's a guardian for?

And now... well, it's my duty to tell you that you're being an idiot again, chum. Lately, you've been getting all hung up on this Akari babe. You've been showing up at her place day after day. Ignoring me when I try to show you a shortcut. She smiles at you, she feeds you, and you let it go to your head. You think she loves you. Sucker!

It's time for me to educate you in a few of the facts of life, pal of mine. First of all, there's one and only one reason this Akari wants you around: because you turn into a little piggy. That's the only reason she ever liked you in the first place. If you think she ever cared about you before she found that out, then, well... you must just be remembering wrong.

Second, even if she does like you as a person now, it's only because she doesn't know the real you. You've got her hoodwinked, but how long do you think that'll last? Any day now, she'll see what a stupid, clumsy oaf she's got for a boyfriend, and then where will you be? Say, maybe she even knows already. Maybe she's just playing along because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

So we aren't going over to see her today, my friend. Nope, I'm going to keep you from making an even bigger fool of yourself than you already have. Trust me on this one, big guy. Have I ever steered you wrong? Just leave little Akari alone; it'll be the best thing for the both of you. She'll find another guy, hopefully one with at least half a brain and more social graces than a wild yak this time. And you? You can just keep walking. After all, you're used to it, right? And this way, when you screw up, nobody needs to know about it. Being alone means you've got no worries.

Besides, you're never really alone. I'm with you the whole way. All the time. So cheer up, big fella.


***


AUTHOR NOTES: Character pieces generally aren't my thing, but I needed something to do for an hour challenge, and there you are. As always, comments are sought and welcomed.

RANMA MAKES A DECISION

A Ranma 1/2 spamfic
by Gary Kleppe


The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


"Now, who would like some tea?"

Hands went up in unison from the crowd of women sitting on the Tendo living room floor.

"Oh dear, I'll have to look for some more cups. We don't usually have this many guests at one time." Kasumi vanished into the kitchen.

"Why'd Ran-chan ask us all to come?" Ukyo asked Akane, who responded with a shrug.

Abruptly, the outside door slid open, and Ranma stepped in.

"Um, hey, everybody. Thanks for all showin' up. What I got to say is really important, so I'm sure you all...."

"Tea!" Kasumi reappeared and began to dispense cups from a serving tray.

"Ah, what an exquisitely refreshing beverage."

"Mmmm. Kasumi tea always number one good!"

"You said it. Say, could I bother you for a little lemon in this, sugar?"

"Um, excuse me...." Ranma cleared his throat noisily. "I was, y'know, kind of like talking here...."

"Oh, go ahead, Ranma darling. We don't mind."

"Sure, Ran-chan. Kasumi, I asked for lemon, not...."

Ranma went on talking, despite the sneaking suspicion that no one was listening. "I asked you all to show up today because I've made... a decision."

Heads turned. The room fell silent, but only for a moment.

"A decision?"

"You mean...."

"... really?"

"Now, I know this is going to be as difficult for you as it was for me," Ranma said. "Akane... Nabiki... Kasumi... Kodachi... Xian Pu...."

"Shan."

"Huh?"

"Name not Xian. Name Shan. Why so hard for everyone get right?"

"Um, whatever." He scratched the back of his head. "Anyhow, like I said, I've made a decision. Some of you ain't gonna like it, but that's the way it is, and this decision is final, no changes, that's that."

Ukyo cheered inwardly. At last, she thought, Ran-chan was going to break away from that idiot father of his, and marry her. All his life, that stupid panda had been making all his choices for him, planning his entire life without ever asking or even caring how he felt. Now Ranma would marry her, and they'd open up an okonomiyaki shop and have three children, and....

Shan Pu smiled. She'd always known Ranma would choose her in the end. He was that rarest and most prized of males, the kind who had the strength and courage to be true to himself no matter what others said. Oh, what a happy life they would have together, once they moved back to the Amazon village and she taught him his proper role as a male.

Kodachi suppressed a smirk. Ranma was finally realizing the truth, that she was a far better choice than those others. How delightful. He'd finally come to his senses and now saw things clearly, and without even the need for drug therapy.

Akane grumbled to herself. As if she cared who Ranma chose. He could go marry the dog next door, for all she cared. Looking down, she noticed the mangled hunk of tin in her hand. Oh well, it was just an old spare cup anyway.

All eyes fixed on Ranma as he began to speak again. "Right, then. Here we go. Nabiki, I want you..."

"Why, Ranma!" Nabiki batted her eyelashes in an exaggerated display of coquettishness. "This is so sudden! Of course, you know I could never love a man who doesn't let me rent him out by the hour."

"... to announce my decision to everybody else." Ranma handed her an envelope.

"Oh," she said. "Sure, why not." She tore open the envelope and extracted a folded piece of notebook paper. "'My decision, by Ranma Saotome. I, Ranma Saotome, hereby make this decision, which is totally final and can't be changed.'" She scanned the paper intently, trying to decipher Ranma's handwriting. "'My... decision is...'"

Everyone turned toward her with breathless anticipation.

"'My decision is that I prefer the creamy smooth kind of peanut butter.' Signed, 'Ranma Saotome.'" Nabiki folded the paper and inserted it back into the envelope.

The room fell silent. But only for a moment.

***

A mangled blob lay on the floor of the Tendo living room. It struggled to raise its head, and it spoke.

"Then again, chunky peanut butter's pretty good too...."

[SCENE: The Cat Cafe kitchen. Shampoo is busily slicing up vegetables when Cologne rushes in.]

COLOGNE: Shampoo! We must prepare ourselves. I've just received word that great danger is imminent.

SHAMPOO: Ai ya! What is it? Great-grandmother's favorite TV program being canceled?

COLOGNE: Worse even than that.

SHAMPOO: Why Great-grandmother waste so much time watch so much junk?

COLOGNE: Never mind, child. I've just spoken by telephone with the Amazon village seer. At precisely midnight on Halloween night, the Cat Cafe is going to be visited by... a vampire!

SHAMPOO: Oh no! Halloween is today! That too, too terrible!

COLOGNE: Indeed.

SHAMPOO: Cat Cafe close at eight tonight! Stupid vampire come at midnight, no going to get served!

[Cologne sighs, rolling her eyes]

COLOGNE: Shampoo, do you know what a vampire is?

[Turning her head, Shampoo contemplates for a moment. Then she holds two fingers of her hand out.]

SHAMPOO: Steeeee-rike!

[Cologne shakes her head ruefully]

COLOGNE: A vampire is an undead creature of evil, Shampoo. It stalks through the night, preying on attractive young women like you and me, paralyzing us with its hypnotic stare so that it may plunge its fangs deep into our necks and feast on the very blood that flows within our veins.

SHAMPOO: Me and who?

COLOGNE: Never mind. There isn't much time, and we must prepare. Vampires are a tough lot, and clever, but with a little preparation, we should be able to trap this one.

SHAMPOO: You not going to... [she faces forward, with a very worried look; dramatic music swells up] ... to send someone out as... bait?

[the music abruptly cuts off]

COLOGNE: No.

SHAMPOO: Oh.

[Cut to Tendo Dojo, where female Ranma breathes a sigh of relief.]

[Cut back to Cat Cafe.]

COLOGNE: I know exactly what to do. There's an ancient Amazon trick for dealing with vampires. Just come with me, and do exactly what I say.

SHAMPOO: Yes, Great-grandmother.

[Fade]

[SCENE: Nerima under dusk. A shadowy figure stalks the streets, its arms raised menacingly, its black and red cloak billowing behind.]

VAMPIRE: Ah! Ah! Ah! I moost find zome sveet yoong voman and feast upon her blood! Ah!

[Pan in closer. Our vampire is dressed in an old European-style full formal tuxedo. His hair is slicked back, and fangs protrude from his opened mouth.]

VAMPIRE: Vot is dees? [stops and reads the Cat Cafe sign] Ah! Surely a quaint estableeshmeent like zees vill employ many loovely vaitresses! Zey shall be unable to reseest my vampiric charms! Ah!

[He pushes on the door, and it slowly swings open. Cut to interior scene. The vampire enters to find row upon row of rollaway carts, each bearing a different variety of food under a heat lamp.]

VAMPIRE: AH! Zees moost be vun of zose all-you-cahn-eat Chinese places! Oh, how I used to loove zese places vhen I vas a leetle bat-boy back in Transylvania! [glances at the stairs, then back at the food] I shall sample joost a few delicacies before I return to the hunt. Ah!

[Cut to exterior shot to show the passage of time, then back to inside. The food tables are now partly empty, and our friend has a pile of dirty plates on the table in front of him.]

VAMPIRE: Oh, how deeleecious zat vas! But I moost be going. [stands up from his chair, then turns back to the food bar] On the other hand, vun more bowl of vonton soup wouldn't hurt! And maybe a few spreeng rolls!

[Another exterior shot. Dawn is beginning to creep in at the edges of the sky.]

[Cut back to interior. The food tables are all empty, except for the garlic chicken which is untouched. The vampire sits at a table on which rests a huge stack of plates. He pats his very full stomach.]

VAMPIRE: Oh, I am coompletely full. But I moost queeckly return to....

[Suddenly, light begins to stream in through the window.]

VAMPIRE: Ahhh! Eet ees ze sun! I am deestroyed! Vot a peeser! Aaaaaa!

[The vampire begins to smoke, and his body deflates like a punctured beach ball, leaving only a pile of clothes behind. After a few minutes, Cologne and Shampoo poke their heads down the stairwell, and then emerge from hiding.]

COLOGNE: You see? He's dead. I told you it would work.

SHAMPOO: Great-grandmother very smart. Where get such good idea for trap?

COLOGNE: Actually, it came from one of those TV shows that you think are a waste of time.

SHAMPOO: TV Show?

COLOGNE: Yes.

SHAMPOO: Which one?

COLOGNE: "Buffet, the Vampire Slayer."

SHAMPOO: Oh.

[Fade to black. End.]

THE COOKING LESSON
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.




The noodles sagged limply as Akane's chopsticks pushed them through the watery sauce. Lifting them to her mouth, she took a taste. Sugar. The sauce tasted more like sugar than tomatoes, and there were no added spices as far as she could tell.

Sighing noiselessly, she took a whole mouthful and began eating. It wasn't very good, but it was edible, and she didn't want to cause any ill feelings.

Sayuri stared at her with wide-eyed expectation. "How is it, Akane?"

"Er...." Akane searched for something nice to say that wasn't a lie. Or at least wasn't too much of a lie. Sayuri, one of her best friends, maid of honor at her wedding last year, had invited her over for dinner; it wouldn't exactly be polite to sit there and criticize her cooking.

"Wonderful, isn't it?" said Sayuri's brother, as if answering for Akane. The two of them went to the same college, and shared an apartment. "This lady's a great cook, even when she's doing American food. I keep telling her she ought to go professional."

Sayuri beamed a smile at him. "I'm so happy you like it!"

"Actually, it's Italian," Akane said. "Well, Sayuri, I'm not exactly a world class cook myself," she admitted. "But if I could make a suggestion, you might want to try using less sugar, and maybe some different spices. Kasumi has some really good recipes that I'm sure she would...."

Akane's words trailed off. Sayuri continued to stare at her brother, obviously not listening. "Look," she said. "You asked me what I thought. Do you want me to tell you, or don't you?"

The brother smiled dismissively. "Akane, my sister isn't trying to make a gourmet meal. Her food tastes good. That's what matters."

Akane took a breath, trying to keep her anger under control. Tastes good? Professional? How was Sayuri's cooking ever going to improve if he kept telling her things like that? It was obvious to her what was happening. He was giving her empty praise, so he could keep from having to cook a meal of his own once in a while. He was feeding her ego, and she was eating it out of his hand. And then how would her cooking ever improve?

Sayuri gave an obligatory smile and nod to Akane, and began to serve her brother more food. What was the point in arguing? Sayuri obviously wasn't interested. And okay, Akane wasn't the most authoritative source on the subject. But she, at least, had had to work and struggle for every piece of praise that she'd been given on her cooking. When Ranma had finally told her that her curry was normal, even good, it was a wonderful feeling, because she knew that she had earned it. How could she get Sayuri to understand that? She couldn't.

After finishing her dinner and an hour of random chatting, Akane excused herself and headed back home.

**

"Oh, Ranma?"

Akane's voice was quiet, almost musical. Ranma put down his newspaper and sat up in his chair, preparing to give her his full attention. He could tell just from her tone that this was going to be one of those talks.

"Remember all those times before we got married? When I tried to cook for you? And you told me exactly how bad it was?"

Ranma nodded. Oh, geez, he thought. Why was she bringing that up after all this time?

"Remember all those times I worked so hard to make food that you'd like? When you could've just said that it was good to make me happy, but you didn't?"

"Um, yeah." A drop of sweat trickled down the back of his neck. "So?"

Leaning closer to him, she planted a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you."

Ranma could only stare as Akane disappeared through the bedroom door. No matter how long he lived, there were some things he'd never understand.


**


An hour fic that I actually FINISHED in an hour... what's this world coming to? :) Thanks go to the fine folks in FFIRC's OneHour group one for their comments on this story, and for coming up with the title.

[Note: This was my entry in this month's FFIRC One Hour Challenge. It came out a little more heavy handed than I would've liked, but those are the breaks of trying to get something done in an hour. This is meant in fun, with no offense intended towards anyone.]


Gary: Here we go with this month's one hour challenge. Since my writing is at the point right now where it takes me about that long to do the first paragraph...

Hiroshi: ... he's passed the buck to Daisuke and me. Which makes sense, considering that one hour is about the length of our attention spans.

Daisuke: So... in the next hour, Hiroshi and I will attempt to write... the ultimate fan service fic!

Gary: The what?? Is it too late to do this myself instead?

Hiroshi: Yeah, it is. Besides, what would you know about writing fan service anyway?

_____


LCD

a fanfic by Hiroshi and Daisuke

_____


Gary: "LCD?"

Daisuke: Liquid Crystal Display.

Hiroshi: Yeah. We're from the Jeff Rutsch school, where the title doesn't necessarily have to relate to the fic.

Gary: Uh huh.

_____


All characters (not to mention the authors) are the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi-sama.

All C&C will be gratefully appreciated...

_____


Gary: That's good....

_____


... except if it's from people who hate us, of course.

_____


Gary: Well, that's not too unreasonable....

_____


"Hate" is defined as anyone who says anything bad about our fic, or suggests that it could possibly be improved. If anyone does this to us, we'll not only killfile them, but we'll make snide little comments about them in the authors' notes of everything we write for months to come.

_____


Gary: Yeah right. You guys only write stuff about once every six months.

_____


Part One: The Only Part


Morning rose over Nerima. Sunlight streamed down, bathing the Tendo dojo in fiery orange and yellow. Birds chirped. It was an idyllic scene, one which had absolutely nothing to do with the story that follows.

Meanwhile....

"Forget it, Mom! I ain't doin' it!"

"You will do it, Ranma."

"Why?"

"Because I said so!"

Akane stared quizzically at Nodoka. "What is it you want him to do, Mrs. Saotome?"

"To provide fan service in this fic, Akane-chan," she answered. "After all, this is a fan service fic. Ranma is not only the main character, but the curse that changes him into a female makes him uniquely qualified."

"But why? I mean, I thought you wanted him to be manly!"

_____


Gary: Yeah, why?

Daisuke: Does it matter?

Hiroshi: It's a plot device. Really convenient one, too.

_____


Nodoka drew her sword. "Because if he doesn't, it's katana time! That's why!"

Ranma sighed. "All right, Mom. If I have to," he grumbled. Inwardly, he thought that this might not be so bad. Just a little fan service for the readers. What could be so bad about that?

Ranma, of course, didn't appreciate how bad it was. For Nerima is a wacky place, where things never go quite as planned.

_____


Gary: Don't you think your readers know that Nerima's a wacky place? Surely they've read Ranma 1/2, or at least read some other Ranma fics, or if nothing else seen the anime.

Hiroshi: Probably, yeah. So?

Gary: So what's the use of telling them the obvious?

Daisuke: People forget things, y'know.

_____


Ranma sat on her futon. The room was empty, except for Ranma, and the futon, of course. She (we're going to call Ranma 'she,' in case any of you forget that she's in girl form during this scene) looked down at her breasts. They were big. Actually, big was an understatement. They were really big. Large. Bulky. Huge. Mountainous. Ant. see LITTLENESS.

The preceding is a joke, by the way. You're supposed to laugh. If you didn't, it's probably some deep-seated psychological disorder.

Ranma turned and waved. "Hi, readers!!!" She pointed to her breasts, which were big. "Aren't they big?!" She laughed at the joke she had made, knowing that all the readers would be laughing too.

_____


Gary: ...

Hiroshi: It's the laugh track principle. People need to be told where to laugh so they'll laugh when they're supposed to.

Gary: So you're assuming your readers are complete idiots?

Daisuke: Uh... yeah.

Hiroshi: And your point is?

Gary: sigh Look, this whole thing isn't working. If you want to do fan service, at least come up with a more believable way to do it.

Daisuke: You mean like... hey! I've got an idea!

_____


Ranma and Akane walked to school. On the way, they heard a voice.

"Ranma Saotome! I challenge you!"

"Yeah, what?" Ranma turned around. A woman wearing a long coat stood behind her, except that it was now in front of her since she just turned around.

Anyway, Ranma recognized the woman as Mariko Konjo, whom he had beaten at Martial Arts Cheerleading.

"You're Mariko Konjo, who I beat at Martial Arts Cheerleading!" he said. "Come back for a rematch? I've still got my pom-poms, and they're just as big as yours!"

"Martial arts cheerleading? Ew, gag me!" She scowled. "That is like, so last week! I've got something totally new now!"

"Oh yeah? What is it?" Whatever it was, Ranma would be able to beat her at it."

Mariko's coat fell to the ground. Underneath, she had on nothing but a thin negligee. A bodice of shiny red covered her torso, topped with lace through which ample cleavage was visible.

"What the heck is this?" Ranma asked.

"Well, duh. Only my new combat art," Mariko replied. "Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing!"

_____


Hiroshi: Yes! Perfect!

Gary: ....

_____


Ranma and Akane stood at the local mall, in front of the Victoria's Secret, which they now have in Japan due to some plot contrivance.

"I've gotta beat Mariko at Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing, Akane! Help me pick out some good stuff!"

"Ranma... what kind of silly combat art is this? I mean, how can wearing Lingerie possibly help you win a fight."

"Well, um... the material protects you from... um, with the straps you can... oh yeah! It's like, psychological warfare, or somethin'. You get your opponents to stare at you in the Lingerie, thereby distracting them so you can pound the crap out of 'em."

"But that doesn't make any sense! Your opponent is a girl! And even if not, anyone short of a Musk would eventually learn to ignore the Lingerie enough to fight back. What's more, a lot of this stuff will be clumsy in combat, and leave you open to...."

_____


Gary: Hey, this is not a bad technique, guys.

Daisuke: Huh?

Gary: Akane is stating objections that are no doubt in the minds of some of the readers.

Hiroshi: Oh. Yeah!

Gary: However, the success of the technique does depend on your ability to answer those objections.

Daisuke: Uh... we better change this part, then.

Hiroshi: Let's just make Akane OOC.

_____


"Ooooh!" Akane glomped on to Ranma. "Martial Arts Lingerie Wearing?! Can I learn too? I wanna learn!!"

_____


Gary: 'Scuse me, guys. I don't think I can take much more.

Daisuke: Where are you going? This is no fun without someone to annoy!

Hiroshi: Don't worry about it. The hour's almost up.

Daisuke: That's it, then. Think we'll win all the TASS awards?

"You wanted to see me, sir?"

I looked up. "Ah. Officer Mihoshi." She stood proudly in front of my desk, somehow managing to look more like a stewardess than a police woman in uniform. "Sit down."

"Yes, sir!" An enthusiastic military-style salute knocked the cap from her head onto the floor. Picking it up, she sat down, dropping it into her lap.

"This isn't the military, officer. Just the Anime Police." Christ, I thought. A head as empty as Mr. Yotsuya's official autobiography. Letting women join the force was a mistake.

"Yes, sir." She produced a notepad from a pocket. "Not the military... just the Anime Police," she muttered to herself as she wrote. "Will there be a test on this?"

Sighing, I swiveled my computer screen around so that she could see the image on it. "This is Mr. Xelloss, a clergyman. He's filed a complaint for acts of theft, vandalism, and assault against his parishioners and himself. I want you to bring in the guilty party."

"Yes, sir!" Her cap fell to the floor as she stood up and saluted again. "I'll get right on it, sir!" She marched out of the room.

I looked at my watch. Five, four, three, two....

Officer Mihoshi poked her head back in. "Do we have any idea who the guilty party is, sir?"

"Mr. Xelloss has helped us put together a composite sketch." I clicked my mouse and pointed to the computer screen. "Look at this."

Mihoshi stared at the image. "Young woman... red hair... angry expression... Lina Inverse, sir?" She put a hand over her lip. "Oh dear. She's not going to be easy to track down, is she."

"Probably not."

"Hmmm." Mulling the description over in my head, I thought about how things in police work were rarely as simple as they seemed.

"Idea, sir?"

"Maybe. Let's start by bringing in someone else for questioning."

*

Mihoshi ushered a teenager into my office. A shapely female body bulged out from under Ranma Saotome's Chinese-style shirt. "What the heck is this all about? Who are you?"

"I'm Anime Police Superintendent Nansubetekoresoreni," I said in a businesslike voice. "I just have a few questions for you. You are Ranma Saotome?"

"Yeah. But I'm not the one you--"

"Just answer the questions, please. Now where were you on the...." I looked up and, noticing the kid's hair, blinked and looked again. "Mihoshi, what is this? Ranma doesn't fit the description!"

"That's what I been tryin' to tell ya!" Ranma said. "You got the wrong guy. I'm canon Ranma. It's anime Ranma who has the red hair!"

"Shall I take Ranma back and bring in Anime-Ranma, sir?" Mihoshi asked.

I thought for a moment. "Yes, and no. Just take this young... er, man back where you found him, and report back here."

"Yes, sir!" Mihoshi escorted Ranma out the office. I stared at the computer screen, switching from image to image with each click of the mouse. Was it possible that this was much bigger than even I had suspected?

*

"We'd suspected a connection between Anime-Ranma and Lina based on appearances. But take a look at this." I rotated my computer monitor around so Mihoshi could see it.

"Oh!" She peered at the image of a horned woman in a tiger-striped bikini. "You mean Anime-Ranma actually looks like Lum?"

"No, this is Lum. But suppose we assume that her horns and the points on her ears are fakes, and that her hair is a dye job." I clicked the mouse.

Mihoshi gasped. "Goodness, she looks like Lina too!"

"Exactly. And it doesn't stop there. I've gone through the files and identified a whole slew of anime women who resemble Lina just as much as Anime-Ranma does, apart from some easily disguised superficial features. You know what this means? If my theory is right, all these women are involved in the conspiracy! They're all related, possibly even the same person!"

"What else do you know about this conspiracy, Superintendent?" Mihoshi's voice, her entire manner changed. Her eyes hardened into a steel gaze. She wasn't bubbly anymore.

"You... you're..."

"That's right." She smirked. "Clever of you to finally figure it out. But not quite clever enough." Fiery energy flared in ripples around her raised arm. "Now die. Moko Takabisha Divine Retribution Flare Arrow!!"

As the flames leapt forward to consume me, I had only one thought.

Letting women join the force was a BIG mistake.

"I can't believe it, Saotome! After everything we went through, all the obstacles in our way, our children are married at last! I'm so happy, I can sniff hardly contain myself!"

"I know how you feel, Tendo. Time to celebrate! Let's go get those bottles of sake we've been saving."

Ranma stared at Akane amidst the wreckage that had been the Tendo Dojo. "So... looks like we're, um, married now."

"Yeah." She smiled awkwardly. "I guess so." From her expression, she felt as uncomfortable as he did with the way it had happened. They'd been tricked. Ranma understood why Pop and Mr. Tendo had lied to him, but he still resented them making his decision for him.

The previous day, the parents had taken Ranma and Akane to see some kind of government official, so they could sign a paper. Just getting the formalities out of the way, they were told. And they signed. After all, they still had time to back out of the wedding, didn't they? It wasn't until later, when their friends showed up at the widely-announced formal ceremony, that the parents showed everybody the signed paper -- or rather, a xerox copy of it. It was a marriage license, they said, and it meant that no matter how badly this wedding got trashed, Ranma and Akane were already legally married.

So they wrecked the ceremony anyway. But in the end, it didn't do them any good.

Mr. Tendo shook Ranma's hand vigorously. "I'm so happy to finally have you as part of the family! So happy!"

"Yeah, me too, whatever." Ranma returned the gesture tepidly.

He was mad at the parents for conning them. But he had to admit, if it had been left up to him and Akane, they might've dicked around for years. Maybe they'd have ended up old and gray with their minds still not made up. And being married wasn't such a bad thing. But did she feel the same way?

"Hey, Akane. Let's change clothes, and then go for a walk." They needed to talk about what they were going to do now.

"Good idea." She smiled at him, this time with less uncertainty and more genuine warmth, as she zipped up the stairs.

***

"Look at this, Ranma." Akane pointed to a sign that stood in the window of Ucchan's restaurant.

Ranma read the notice out loud. "'Closed permanently. Please visit our new location in Detchiage district.' Wow. Ucchan's left, just like that? I hope she's gonna be okay."

"Yeah. But I think she will. She's a survivor. I can't see her slashing her wrists or anything like that."

"No, me neither. Still, I wonder what she's gonna do now."

"Just move on, I guess. Get on with her life, y'know?"

"Yeah, I suppose." Ranma and Akane continued down the street, hand in hand.

***

Ukyo watched through the upstairs window as the couple faded down the street. So, she told herself with a sigh. That ends that.

She'd had high hopes that Ranma would marry her. His father had not only agreed to their marriage, but had taken the family business as a dowry. And when she'd met Ranma again, he'd really seemed unhappy with Akane.

Ukyo shrugged. Nothing she could do about it now, but move on.

She pulled open the narrow top drawer of her bedroom desk. Everything else had been packed away, and the only thing left was the old familiar black spiral-bound notebook. She flipped it open to the first page and scanned a finger down it until she located the name Ranma Saotome.

Taking a pen from her pocket, she neatly drew a line across the name.

**

Guzu Yogore stared at the strange person glowering at him. "Do I know you?"

"Yes, you do." The stranger thrusted a giant spatula into fighting position. "Remember promising your son's hand in marriage? A promise that you ran out on?"

Yogore gulped. "U-- Ukyo?"

"That's right!" The spatula crashed down on Yogore's head.

"Dad!" Yogore's son ran over to him. A volley of throwing spatulas whizzed through the air; the boy narrowly managed to dodge.

"Your turn'll be next, Shirazu. See you in school!" Ukyo said threateningly, then quickly slipped out of sight.



This was another one hour fic, inspired by a certain fanfic cliche. Multitudes of fics postulate Genma as having made zillions of fiancee arrangements for Ranma as a child, even though he only did this once in the original series (and that was clearly Ukyo's father's idea) and it's rather unbelievable that hordes of parents would be eager to engage their daughters to the son of someone as disreputable-looking as Genma.

So why has the same sort of thing never been applied to Mr. Kuonji? Well, now it has.

[Gary is at his computer, reading the previous night's FFML output]

Krista Perry wrote:
> Akane looked at him in dismay. "But you're still dead! We
>can't leave you like this."
>
> Ranma shrugged. "I'm sure there's another author out there
>who's creative enough to fix this mess."
>
> Akane nodded thoughtfully. "You're right. All we've got
>to do is post this to the ML and *someone* will come to our
>rescue." She glanced over at him. "Although... that does mean
>that there's a strong risk of this becoming a lemon."

Gary: HA HA HA! I wonder how many people won't realize that this is a joke, and actually try to continue it? Nah, nobody could be that....

[Gary's MSTing team, Hiroshi and Daisuke, barge into the room]

Hiroshi: Hey, move over! We've got a fic to finish!

Daisuke: Yeah! Ranma and Akane are counting on us!

_____


"Akane, our only chance is for one of us to get to the dragon. I'll distract these ghosts while you slip past them."

She nodded. "Right. Think you can keep their attention away from me?"

"No sweat." He stepped to the side, then raised his arms to draw their attention. "Listen up, you guys!" he shouted. The murmur of conversation in the room died out. "It's time to start!"

The ghosts scratched their heads. "Uh...," one of them said, "start what?"

Ranma shot a you-are-an-idiot look at the ghost. "The first annual Afterlife Dance Party, of course!" The ghosts started at one another, puzzled. "Cue music!"

Out of nowhere, a disco beat began. Ranma whipped off his Chinese shirt, and quickly donned a white polyester jacket. A singer sang in a falsetto voice. o/~ Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk.... o/~ The ghosts hesitated at first, then started shaking their bodies to the music.

What a brilliant plan! With no one looking at her, Akane slipped over to the wall and pressed the green button by the elevator door.

_____


Gary: Clever idea, guys.

Daisuke: Hey, we figured that the afterlife would have to be pretty dull. These ghosts just had to be dying for a good party!

Gary: But what's gonna happen once Akane gets to the dragon?

Hiroshi: You'll see....

_____


As soon as Akane stepped into the gigantic chamber, she knew that something wasn't right.

It wasn't the slight smell of sulfur in the air. Nor was it the deep, resonating sound of air being sucked back and forth. No, it was the gigantic creature that lay sleeping in the room. Specifically, its color.

It was mauve.

*What kind of dragon is that color?* Akane asked herself.

From below, many voices shouted out. "Kuei kuei conga! Kuei kuei conga!" The dance party was still going on -- but it couldn't last much longer. Akane had to hurry.

She prodded the huge, slumbering frame. "Wake up, mister dragon! We need your help desperately!"

Suddenly, a pair of eyes stared at her. "Hi, Akane! Hyuk hyuk! I want to be your friend! Hyuk hyuk let's sing a song!"

"Aaaaaaaaaa! It's Barney! Kill! Kill!" Her sword lashed out, but only blunted against the creature's hide.

"Oh, don't worry, I love all young people!" His mouth opened wide, revealing razor-sharp fangs. "Especially with a little ketchup! Hyuk hyuk!"

Akane screamed.


Ranma burst into the room, noticing the lifeless, bloody body on the ground. "Oh my God, he's killed 'Kane! That bastard!"

_____


Gary: I don't think this is the kind of ending people want to read, guys.

Daisuke: Okay, okay. I've got another idea....

_____


Akane stared at the colossal, unmoving creature in front of her. Flies buzzed as they traced chaotic orbits around the head. Bruised and blackened, the body stank like a charnel house.

The dragon didn't move. Akane could see in her mind the dragon flying away from China, bored with the same old scenery, only wanting a short vacation. Evidently Yugoslavia had been a bad choice.

How do I know this, thought Akane. How can I see these things, like memories in my own mind.

Posthumous telepathy, a voice in her head answered. You have to know how to do these things when you're a dragon.

Well, it made a sort of sense. I mean, why else would the Chinese Emissary of Death be residing in his basement? "How can you live again?" she asked.

I can't, you idiot! I'm dead! I am no more! I have ceased to be! You know the rest.

"I'll carry you," said Akane. "I'll go from country to country until I find a time and place where you can be brought back. And I'll tell your story to my people, so that perhaps in time they can forgive you too. The way that you've forgiven me."

_____


Gary: Um, guys, does the word "plagiarism" mean anything to you?

Daisuke: It's not plagiarism! It's a fusion!

Hiroshi: Yeah! And anyway, it's Krista's favorite series.

Gary: Be that as it may....

Hiroshi: Hey, wait a minute. I've got another idea.

Daisuke: You do? What is it?

Hiroshi: You know which character has been conspicuously absent from this entire series so far, right?

Daisuke: Uh huh.

Hiroshi: So....

_____


Akane prodded the huge, slumbering frame. "Wake up, mister dragon! We need your help desperately!"

Suddenly, a pair of eyes stared at her. "That's okay. Gotcha covered already."

"Huh?"

"I'm bringing Ranma back to life," the deep voice lazily intoned. "Payment's already been made."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" Akane reached out to hug the dragon, then decided it might not be a good idea. "But who--"

"Why, Miss Tendo," a voice melodically intoned. "What a surprise to meet you here!"

Akane spun around. "Kodachi?"

"Of course. And while you've been playing around with ghosts, I've arranged with our mutual friend here for darling Ranma's survival."

Akane gaped in shock. "You gave him your blood?"

"Of course not." Kodachi narrowed her eyes haughtily. "The life fluids of the Black Rose are far to precious to be squandered away to some uncouth creature of mythology."

"Hey, I...." The dragon belched. "I resemble that remark."

"No," Kodachi continued, "I merely went around to several hospitals. WIth proper persuasion, they were only too happy to give up their supplies of plasma."

The dragon rubbed its huge stomach. "Tastes bland as hell, but it fills you right up." He turned back to Akane. "Of course, as you've probably guessed, part of the terms of this are that you get sent away again -- this time for good."

Akane sighed. "Back to the kami plane?"

"Nope. That didn't work out so well. This time, I'm sending you to the Plane of Non-stop Wild Lemon Orgies. No one's ever escaped from there. In fact, no one's ever tried."

"Oh well." Akane thought for a moment. "All right, I'll go willingly. But only if I can take one of Kodachi's other rivals along with me."

Kodachi eyed her suspiciously. "Which one?"

"The girl with the pig-tail."

"Um," the dragon said, "you mean the girl who is really...."

"Yes!" Kodachi shouted triumphantly. "Take that foul harridan and begone!"

"We have a deal, then." Akane shook her hand, flashing a Nabiki-like smile. "Nice doing business with you."

"Ah, what the heck," the dragon said. "Who am I to mess up a deal."

"You and the Pig-Tailed Girl? I never would've suspected." Kodachi smirked. "But you do make a good couple. The two of you were meant for each other."

Akane nodded in agreement.

_____


Hiroshi: What do you think?

Gary: It's... unique.

Daisuke: Think Krista will let us finish "Mixed Breed" too?

Gary: That's "Half Breed." And we'll have to see how well people out there liked your ending to this one.

Hiroshi: Right. What do you think, sirs?

JUSTICE

Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe


The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.

This story refers to events that took place in Ranma 1/2 vol. 19 parts 4-8 (the "Secret Sauce" storyline). A fan-translated version of this can be read here.



She trudged forward, ever forward. Her leg sank deeper into the snow with each step. There was supposed to be a path, but with the ground covered in white, there was no way to know whether she was actually following it. Still, she moved forward.

Justice. That was what she had come for. That was her right. She kept the thought in mind as she forced herself to keep moving. The wind whistled as it blew snow into the air, spraying icy droplets onto her face. Her cheeks and nose felt numb. There was nothing to push her onward, nothing other than her fiery determination, and the voices accompanied by sniggering laughter.

*Heard the latest? Ukyo got dumped by her fiance.*

*Now she'll never find a husband.*

Why did the painful things stay in memory, while the happy times faded away? She had had fun as a child, making okonomiyaki with her father, playing with Ran-chan. But it got harder and harder to remember what that had been like.

A vast sea of white surrounded her on all sides, with nothing else in sight. She should have turned back long ago. The temple she sought could be miles away -- if it even existed at all; only some written rumors said that it did. She could have been in her hotel room by now, sipping hot tea and savoring the delicious warmth.

Yes, she thought, any sensible person would've turned back. But...

*Did you hear? Ukyo went up north looking for some legendary temple! She didn't find it, though.*

*I hear she just gave up. What a loser!*

*Yeah. No wonder she's an old maid.*

Forward.

***

After long (minutes? hours? days?) of walking, a building came into view. It was a modest size house, with a wide, curved roof that covered a wooden porch.

A large snowdrift blocked the front door. Ukyo grabbed the giant spatula from her back, and began shoveling. It probably wasn't the right place, but there might be people stuck inside in need of help. Besides, at least they'd be able to tell her where she was.

With the snow moved, Ukyo tried the door and found it unlocked. She entered into a small room with no furnishings. The air wasn't really warm, but less cold than the outside.

A somewhat pudgy, middle-aged man, dressed in simple robes, sat on the
floor. He was nearly bald, with only a thin layer of hair that Ukyo had
to look close to see. He gazed at her with an unreadable expression.

Ukyo bowed. "Hello! I'm very sorry to barge into your home like this."

"You are welcome here, young lady." Standing up, the man returned the bow. "Not many visitors come here."

"Thank you." She smiled politely. "I came seeking the temple of Seigisama. I'd heard it was up this way."

"You seek the Lord of Justice? For what reason?"

"A promise," she said. "A broken promise."

"Oh?" He stared at her with sympathy in his eyes. "Tell me more."

"My fiancee, Ran-chan." She felt anger and pain rising within her. "He promised long ago to look after me forever. And now he's... he's married another woman!"

"Promised long ago?" the man repeated, turning the words into a question.

"Yes." They had been children. Would the Lord of Justice consider the promise of a five-year-old valid? But it didn't matter. "And again, just last year, Ran-chan said that he would keep the promise!"

"Was the promise freely and knowingly given?" the man asked impassively. "Without duress of any kind?"

"It- It was given!" Ukyo backed up a bit, suddenly feeling paranoid. Why was the man taking Ranma's side? "What kind of question is that!"

"I meant no disrespect, young lady. I know nothing of your situation or your history with this 'Ran-chan.' I merely play the 'Devil's Advocate,' though that is not an expression I care much for. Please be cautious. You see things from your own point of view. That is human nature. But Seigisama views all perspectives. Many have come here over the years to seek justice, and for few is it what they expect."

Damn it, Ukyo thought. He was obviously telling her to turn back, that she was wasting her time here. But, damn it, she was in the right! Ranma had made a promise to look after her forever. She had a perfect right to hold him accountable for it. That was justice.

Besides, she knew what the voices would say if she were to turn back after having coming this far.

"I'm here for justice," she said, in a voice that allowed no further argument.

"Very well. Step through that doorway." He pointed to an open portal behind him. Ukyo bowed formally, and then quickly stepped through.

The room was bare, except for a head of carved stone that hung from the far wall. It was an unattractive, round face, with an unsmiling expression and piercing, cold eyes. Ukyo approached and stood before it, wondering what she should do next.

"I want Ran-chan to fulfill his promise!" she announced. "I want justice!"

From above, she heard something softly shift. She looked up, and saw that a hole had opened in the ceiling. Without warning, water poured out of it onto her.

***

"Hey, Akane, here's a present we forgot to open."

"Another one?" Akane eyed the unmarked shoebox warily. "I don't remember seeing this before."

The box shook a bit, and the top fell off. Akane cautiously leaned over and peered at the contents.

"Oh! Look, Ranma, what a cute little puppy!" The small black dog squirmed a bit as Akane picked it up, cradling it in her arms.

"Oh yeah. Cool, I like dogs." Ranma lifted the box to examine the bottom. "Wonder who sent it?"

"Who knows?" The dog struggled in Akane's grasp. "Oh, he's so nervous. It's okay!" She looked down at the puppy. "Correction. she's nervous." The dog twisted its body, turning its back toward Akane.

"You'd be nervous too if someone was checking out your privates, Akane."

"Oh, honestly, Ranma! She's just a dog!"

"Just a dog," Ranma repeated. Then, suddenly, he ran into the kitchen and zipped back, a kettle of hot water in hand. He doused the puppy. It shook itself indignantly.

"What was that for?"

"Just checkin'. You know, she could be like... um, like Shampoo." Ranma looked closer at the dog. "Hey, look at this collar!" Akane recognized the characters printed on it.

"That's the same character that Ukyo wears on her shirt." Akane thought for a moment. "That must mean that Ukyo must have sent the dog!"

"Yeah. That was nice of her to do. Y'know, nobody's seen her in a couple weeks. Wonder where she is?"

The puppy yelped at Ranma, shaking her head up and down.

Ranma scratched his head. "Um... what's she saying?"

"I think she's hungry. Do you know what dogs eat, Ranma?"

"Um...." Ranma stared at the collar. "Okonomiyaki?"

Akane laughed. "Dog food, of course. You could never feed okonomiyaki to a dog."

"Dog food, right. I'll head over to the store and buy some. Also a doggy dish, and whatever else I think of while I'm there. Y'know, having a dog is pretty cool. They're man's best friend, right?"

"It's also a lot of work. You have to feed her, take her for walks, make sure she gets all her shots...."

"Yeah, I know that." Ranma patted the dog's head. "Don't you worry, li'l doggy. I'll look after you."

And he did.


END



This was an attempt at a "one hour" fic -- though it actually took more than two hours. Seigisama is a made-up name for a made-up deity. If anyone has a better idea for a name, or knows of such a god from actual Japanese mythology, please let me know.

[A quartet of singers are on stage, namely AKANE, KODACHI, SHAMPOO, and UKYO. RANMA stands nearby.]

AKS and U

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me, and we are each his fiancee!

SHAMPOO

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and I am his best fiancee!

I speak Chinese, I bust through walls
when I come in a room;
If interfere with my plans,
I give you Kiss of Doom!

AK and U

She speaks Chinese... (etc.)

AKS and U

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and we are each his fiancee!

AKANE

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and I am his best fiancee!

My dad engaged me to this jerk,
I didn't ask for that;
If Ranma's with another girl,
I'll stomp him 'til he's flat!

KS and U

Her dad engaged her... (etc.)

AKS and U

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and we are each his fiancee!

UKYO

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and I am his best fiancee!

I'm Ranma's selfless, kind best friend,
or so my fanboys dream;
The Haunted Cave of Lost Love
will be my latest scheme!

AK and S

She's Ranma's... (etc.)

AKS and U

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and we are each his fiancee!

KODACHI

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and I am his best fiancee!

My darling says he loves me not,
yet still do I persist;
he'll be with medication
unable to resist!

AS and U

Her darling says he... (etc.)

AKS and U

He is Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and we are each his fiancee!

[The four girls look toward Ranma]

Um... I am Ranma Sa-o-to-me,
and they are each my fiancee!

Uh....

To choose but one would break three hearts;
compassion makes me flee;
besides, the ones who I don't pick
will beat the crap outta me!

AKS and U

To choose but one would... HEY!!

[Ranma tries to run, but is knocked down by a flutty of thrown spatulas, clubs, and other objects. A general melee breaks out as the lights dim and the curtain closes.]

"Ranma no baka!" Akane screamed, as her everpresent mallet slammed into his body again and again with the force of a stampeding elephant. "How dare you refuse to eat my cooking!?!"

"I-- I--"

"Shut up! Just SHUT UP!" She swung her mallet, knocking Ranma into the air like a baseball. The wind whistled around him as he flew up, then down, landing in the koi pond with a loud splash.

Ranma silently dredged his now-female body out of the pond, sighing to himself. Why did the same thing happen every day? There had to be some way to change things for the better.

"Ranma?" A voice came from behind. "Are you all right?"

Ranma turned around. "Oh, hi, ?????." Big eyes stared at him, with an expresssion of worry and concern. ????? had always been the friend who Ranma could confide in, who he could tell his deepest and innermost secrets to when no one else would listen.

"Akane did this to you, didn't she! I'm going to go give her a piece of my mind!"

"No, don't worry about it, ?????." There wasn't much point. It wouldn't do any good, and Ranma didn't want to take a chance on his friend getting hurt.

"But she can't just keep going on like this! Can't she see how much it's hurting you? I-- I just can't stand by and let it happen!"

"Why not?" Ranma didn't understand why anyone would be concerned like this about him.

"All right... I'll tell you." ?????'s eyes stared down at the ground for a moment, then lifted up to meet Ranma's gaze. "Because I love you. I've been secretly in love with you for a long time. There, I said it."

"?????, I...."

"Don't say anything, Ranma." ????? began to step back, looking away. "Wait until I'm gone. Then you can have a good laugh at how stupid I am."

Ranma thought it over. He could walk away and go back to being hit and served bad food. But here was someone who had always treated him well, always trusted him. He had never thought of ????? in that way before. But now, he wondered why he hadn't.

"Uh, don't go. You... you ain't stupid."

"Really?" ????? turned around and looked up at Ranma with big, sparkling eyes. "Do you mean that?"

"Yeah. I do. Wanna know who the stupid one is?" Ranma inched his face closer to ?????'s. "I am. But not any more." They kissed.


-------------







Feel free to try to guess the identity of the mystery character before proceeding below....











-------------

Kasumi hummed a happy little tune to herself as she swept the back porch clean. She waved to Ranma, who was standing by the koi pond in his girl form; he didn't seem to notice, so she went back to her work.

Akane emerged from the house, dressed in a t-shirt and shorts. "Hi, Kasumi!"

"Good afternoon, Akane! Going for a jog?"

"Yeah." She looked over toward the pond. "Kasumi, who's that with Ranma?"

"Hm?" Kasumi glanced over a second time. "Oh, that's Bess! Mr. and Mrs. Yamane's dog! She comes over to play every now and then."

"Oh yeah. She's a nice dog. Eww!"

"What is it, Akane?"

"Ranma just let Bess lick him in the face. That's gross!"

"Oh, don't worry about it, Akane. It's just the dog's way of being friendly. Have a nice run, now!"

"Thanks!" She began to jog back and forth in place.

Suddenly, the two women turned toward Ranma as an ear-splitting laugh filled the air. "Wahahahahaha!!!"

"Ranma? What are you--"

"Wahaha!!" Ranma was bouncing around the yard, carrying the confused-looking dog in his arms. "I don't have to marry you anymore, tomboy! I finally found somebody who really likes me! Someone who always listens! Man's best friend!! He he he!" He continued laughing as he leapt out onto the sidewalk.

After a pause, Akane said, "I'll go call Dr. Tofu."

"Um... Akane?"

"Yes, Kasumi?"

"Next time you hit him, aim away from the head, okay?"

-------------

You may all proceed to kill me now.... :-)

THE KEY

a Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe

Standard disclaimer applies.

Japanese speech is denoted by "quote marks."
Chinese speech is denoted by <angle brackets.>
English speech is denoted by 'single quotes,' with ''two single quotes'' indicating the presence of a British accent.
Thoughts are in *asterisks.*
Panda signs or other written Japanese material are in {curly brackets.}
Written Chinese material is in [square brackets.]
Telepathic communications are in (parentheses.)
Sound effects are in #whatever these things are called.#
Commands entered into a computer are in /slashes,/ or \backslashes\ if it's DOS instead of UNIX.
Dialog between :colons: indicates a mysterious, eerie voice.
Dialog between ;semicolons; is a typo -- I meant to put colons.
Dialog between $dollar signs$ is spoken by Nabiki.
Flashback scenes are preceded by ### and ended by ***.
Foreshadowing is preceded by @@ and ended by %%%%%.
Anything between /* and */ is not part of the story at all, and should be ignored; like /* After I finish writing this chapter, I better go to the grocery store. I'm almost out of milk. */


"Akane, I ain't doing this fic. I mean, look at all this crap!"

"I agree. We won't even remember half of these symbols ourselves, to say nothing about the reader."


THE END

RYOGA GOES TO NEW JERSEY

A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe

Standard disclaimer applies.


WARNING: This one's rather dark. Thanks goes to Trom for inspiration.

Ryoga trudged along the cold concrete. Factories, painted in dull grays and browns, stood on either side of the road, their smokestacks spewing out grimy soot. Enormous trucks drove by, none of them taking any notice of the bandanna-clad boy. He must have been walking in circles for the past few days, he decided; everything he had seen looked the same.

The boat captain had said that this was New Jersey. It was as good a place as any for Ryoga to get himself lost in. With two continents and over forty-two million square kilometers to wander through, it was pretty certain that no one would find him. Not that he expected anyone to try.

He certainly couldn't stay in Japan. Akane finding out his secret and threatening to kill him the next time she saw him had been bad enough. Then when he had finally found Akari's place, she had introduced him to her new husband. You really should have expected it, Ryoga told himself. She fell in love with me so easily, is it any surprise to see her switch to someone else just as quickly? Why would anyone want a husband who could hardly ever find his way home anyway?

He stopped walking and stood on the sidewalk. There was no point in going onward. This was the perfect place to stop. It was perhaps the most drab, lifeless, depressing places that he'd ever been to. A place to end the pointless wandering existence that fate had given him as an excuse for a life.

He reached into the void, the black hole that was his spirit. Sensations and emotions flowed, coalesced into a physical thing. It would be his final depression blast. Instead of directing the energy outward, he'd simply let it fall back into himself. He would be consumed utterly, like a rock falling into the sun.

The power built. He could feel already that this blast would dwarf any that he had ever before attempted. It would be the largest depression blast that anyone had ever unleashed. The lifetime achievement of Ryoga Hibiki, here in New Jersey. Of course, no one would probably know who had done it; but that wasn't important. Ryoga knew. That's what mattered. He could feel the energy within him, pulsating, demanding to be released. Not yet. He continued to let it build, build, until his body was at its absolute limit. As he was about to explode, he shouted a death yell:

"Shishi Hoboken!!!"

I invited my former fiance over for lunch at my place. Let me tell you about it.

He took off his hat and scarf as he sat down -- strange things to be wearing in early spring, I thought -- and I could see bumps and bruises scattered across his once-handsome face. "She did that to you, didn't she!"

He ignored me and dove into the food I had set out. "Mmmm! Delicious. You don't know how good it is to eat this after months and months of the wife's cookin'. Her stuff is definitely not made for human consumption."

"I see she's been redecorating your face, too." I hated to be so blunt, but I couldn't just let it slide. A while back I gave up on loving him -- if I ever really had -- but I still considered him a friend, and I still felt pain for him.

"Yeah," he sheepishly admitted. "There ain't nothin' to do about it, though. She's a violent maniac. I never woulda married her if I'd known how bad it would be."

I let out a small "Hmph" before I could stop myself. I certainly had a perfect right to say I told you so, but it seemed pointless now -- like rubbing salt in his wounds. Of course, I was known for my own bad temper -- but it couldn't compare with hers.

"Yeah, you're right. I'm a real jerk. A complete idiot, who deserves what he's getting."

"No! I didn't say that!"

"But it's true, ain't it!"

I tried to find a diplomatic way to put it. "No, you're not an idiot. I've seen you do some very clever things when you put your mind to it. You're just someone who... who lives for the present moment, without thinking much about the future. You tend to follow the path of least resistance." He glowered at those last words I said. Okay, it was a pretty unkind metaphor to use. That's me, little miss foot-in-mouth.

He sighed. "Yup. Story of my life, I guess. Maybe that's what they'll carve on my tombstone." I wish I could tell you that he was smiling when he said that. "I ended up married to her just 'cause we lived in the same house -- 'cause she was with me all the time and you weren't."

I took hold of his hand. "Look, it's not too late to get help! There are places you can go!"

"Places where I could be safe? From her?"

Obviously not. Scratch one stupid idea.

"Nope," he said in answer to his own question. "It's dangerous enough being here. If she knew I was seeing you, she'd kill both of us. You know that. You know how jealous she is. I shoulda known too. I just didn't pay attention. Just didn't want to see the kind of person she was."

He pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. "Just forget you ever knew me. You're better off that way." With a quick wave, he was gone, putting on his hat and scarf as he slipped out the door.

I just sat there, unable to react, completely helpless. I was losing a friend -- an ex-lover -- maybe someone I still loved -- and there was nothing I could do for him. Nothing.

I called after him, in a whisper that he couldn't possibly hear, yet somehow I hoped he would.

"Good luck, Ataru."

Oh, did you think I was someone else?



__________________


Note to readers: Yes, it's an Urusei Yatsura fic, not Ranma 1/2. Putting it in the non-Ranma section of my page would've ruined the surprise, I think. Besides, it's really meant as a response to "Bitter End" and other Akane-bashing that goes on. Lum seems to me much more jealous, possessive, and underhanded than Akane. I guess someone who goes around in a tiger-striped bikini can be forgiven more easily. :-)

- Gary
- Shinobu supporter

This is just a silly little thing to celebrate the end of the Midterm Exam Week from Hell. C&C is welcome if you think it's worth it. :)



REDHEAD

A Ranma 1/2 Anime Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe

Standard disclaimer applies


"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!"

Akane came rushing up the stairs, tensed for battle. She saw Ranma in the bathroom, staring at his female body in the mirror.

"Ranma, what is it?"

"It's the new mirror that Kasumi installed. But that's not important right now." He continued before she could pound him. "Akane, look at me!"

She looked at his reflection, then at him. Nothing seemed out of place or unusual. There wasn't even a single blemish on his skin.

"Look at my hair!"

"What *about* your hair, Ranma?"

"It's red!"

"Um... so? You've always had red hair!"

"I have not!" he snapped back. "Look at all those pictures of me that we took on vacation. My hair's black like everyone else's!"

"Dummy! I mean that your hair is red when you're in girl form. You were a boy in all of those pictures. Haven't you ever looked at yourself in the mirror before as a girl?"

He stood thoughtfully for a moment. "Guess not. So how come nobody ever told me? How come Kuno never calls me his 'red-haired girl!?'" The last few words he said in an exaggerated imitation of the Blue Thunder's voice.

Akane shrugged. "It's not like it's our job to tell you what color your hair is, you know."

"This sucks! Nobody else has red hair! How'm I gonna go around in disguise?"

"You shouldn't be doing that anyway!"

He continued as if not having heard her. "How am I suppos'ta fool Ryoga or Happosai when my hair's a color that no one else has? To fall for that, they'd have to be unbeliveably...." He paused thoughtfully. "Well, okay, but it's still weird."

"Just go to bed, Ranma!" Akane turned to leave, and caught a sight of herself in the mirror. "Huh?" She stared closely at her face.

Ranma looked at Akane's reflection. "What?"

"My... my face! Look at it!"

"It looks the same as it always did, Akane."

"The eyes! They're huge!" She turned to Ranma. "Yours are the same way!"

Ranma stared at her, then looked into the mirror. "You're right! Why didn't we ever notice that before?"

Akane yelled out, "Dad!"

Soun Tendo peeked his head around the door. "Yes?"

"He's got 'em too!" Ranma observed.

"Dad, why do we all have these huge eyes?"

"I guess you were bound to notice it someday," Soun began somberly. "The story began with your great-grandfather, on a planet many light-years away...."




Well, it WOULD explain a lot...

I CAN'T

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
by Gary Kleppe

From an idea by David Johnston


C&C is welcomed. Flames will be laughed off.




Akane and I sat on the lawn behind Furinkan High School, with our lunches in front of us. As usual, she was mad at me.

"I ate that chocolate from Ucchan just 'cause I was hungry," I said. "How was I supposed to know she'd make such a big deal about it?"

"I'm really tired of this, Ranma. We're supposed to be engaged! I'm tired of you letting all those other girls chase after you."

"Hey, it ain't *my* idea! I never asked for any of them to be after me! Ucchan, Shampoo, Kodachi... they don't care what I think. Nobody does. I ain't got no control over nothin'!"

Akane seemed like she was about to scream at me, maybe belt me across the schoolyard. Then her face softened, and it looked like she might be about to cry. She took my hand in hers. "Then take control, Ranma," she said. "What do you want to do? How do you really feel about Ucchan?"

It was really weird. Like it wasn't the real Akane. Or maybe it was, for the first time. I couldn't think about it just then; all I could do was answer. "She's a friend... one of my best friends... but no... not like that. She and I could never be..."

"Then tell her. Don't keep her hanging on. That's not good for you, for her, or for anyone else."

I grabbed onto Akane's hand like letting go would've meant falling to my death. "... I can't."

I could tell she was losing her patience. "What do you mean, 'can't?'"

How could I explain? There was no way to get her to understand. "I... I just can't. That's all."

"Ranma..." Eyes narrowed. "You..." Fist clenched. "Jerk!" She punched me into the air, hitting harder than she had in a long time. I flew over the school, landing right in the middle of the pool.

"Damn." I pulled myself out of the pool and shook the water from my girl's body. Damn it, we had been so close to... I didn't know what. Maybe to finally getting past all the stupid fighting and arguments. But I had to go and screw it up. She must've been really hurt. For once she tried to open up to me, and I had to be the jerk.

What made it worse was that Akane had been absolutely right. It wasn't fair for me to keep stringing Ucchan along.

I headed for the men's locker room. A quick change, and then I'd head over to Ukyo's restaurant. I had to tell her -- or at least, I had to try.

*********

The transvestite ninja bowed as I came in the door. "Good afternoon, Ranma!"

"Yeah, uh, hi, Konatsu." I tried to smile, but didn't do a very good job of it. "Is, um, is Ucchan around?"

"Of course! Ukyo-sama! Look who's here!"

"Ran-chan! Care for an okonomiyaki special?" Ukyo smiled from behind the counter as she poured batter onto the grill. She didn't wait for me to say yes; she already knew the answer.

Or she thought she did. "Ukyo, I... I can't. Please. Don't. I've got something I want... I need to talk to you about."

Konatsu quietly faded back as Ukyo vaulted over the grill and sat down on one of the customer stools. "What is it, Ran-chan? What's wrong? Let me help!"

I took the seat next to her. "Ukyo, this ain't easy to say... but I gotta say it. You're a good friend, Ucchan. A great friend. But I... I don't feel the way... like I know you do."

"Ran-chan! Are you saying that you don't love...?"

Ranma silently nodded.

"Oh, Ran-chan, that's all right!" She gave me a playful chuck on the shoulder. "Why didn't you tell me? I understand!"

"You do?"

"Sure! I mean, for me okonomiyaki is my life! But I don't expect everybody to like it as much as I do. It's okay! I'll make you some sandwiches or something instead. Honestly, Ran-chan! You didn't have to keep eating it for so long when you didn't like it, you silly! You must really--"

"No!" I interrupted. "That ain't what I mean!"

"Then what?"

"Ukyo..." I couldn't get words to come out of my mouth.

Her eyes went wide with shock. "You don't love me? Is that what you're saying?"

All I could do is stare at her. I had nothing to say that could make it better, nothing that could excuse the idiot I'd been for so long.

She stood. "Damn it, Ran-chan!" Her giant spatula crashed down onto the stool she had been sitting on, flattening it to the size of one of her okonomiyaki. "Do you know how much I've been through? How much I've given up for you?!"

"Ukyo, I'm... I'm sorry...."

"Sorry? Sorry? After I wasted my whole life? After you ran out on me, and I had to become a boy just so they'd stop making fun of me? Sometimes I can still hear their voices, did you know that?"

Konatsu rushed over to her. "Ukyo-sama, I'm so sorry! If there's anything I can..."

"Damn it!" Her hands circled around Konatsu's neck. "You've always been laughing at me! All of you! Behind my back! I'll make you shut up!" Her strangling grip tightened as the ninja gasped for breath.

"Ucchan, stop!" I yelled. "I was just kidding!"

She looked at me. "What?"

"I was just kidding! Of course I ain't made up my mind who I love. You know me, the most indecisive guy in the world. Probably take me years and years!"

"Oh, Ran-chan!" She let Konatsu fall to the ground and smiled. "You big silly! How about that okonomiyaki now?" I nodded yes.

"I'm so happy for you, Ukyo-sama!" Konatsu coughed out, as his boss delightedly started cooking.

I sighed to myself. I had tried. *How can I explain this to Akane?* I wondered. The answer was simple.

I can't.




AUTHOR'S STUFF: Yes, it's OOC. Consider this to be revenge for all of the "poor, sweet, angelic Ukyo" fanfics. :-P I don't consider this one any more OOC than those.

A tip of the imaginary hat to anyone who recognized the opening conversation.

"Still no sign of land... how long is it?"

"Longer than yours, bacon-breath!"

"Ranma no baka! He meant how long have we been in the lifeboat! We'll have to start again!"

______


"Still no sign of land... how long is it?"

"Thirty-three days. We can't go on much longer. We ain't had nothin' to eat since the third day!"

"We're done for! Oh darling Shampoo, I've failed you!"

"Stupid Mousse! Keep quiet! We just need hope someone find us!"

"How you doin', Pop?"

"Not good, boy. I'm going fast. I'm not going to make it, but some of you might. So you'd better eat me."

"Cannibalism? Ugh!"

"A true martial artist's life is filled with cannibalism, boy. Anyway, you needn't eat me in this form. Just a splash of water, and you've got panda steak."

"It's not just that, Saotome..."

"What is it, Tendo? Why don't you want to eat me?"

"It's just that... I'd rather eat Ryoga!"

"Good idea, Dad! I could go for some pork right now!"

"Akane... you knew?"

"Yup. I found out last week. I've been waiting for a chance to brutally maim you for it in some creative way. Now I don't need to! Talk about killing two pigs with one stone!"

"That's all right, I deserve it. Okay, it's settled. Everyone's going to eat me!"

"Oh my. The rest of you go ahead, but I won't."

"Nonsense, Kasumi. You're starving! Tuck in!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Ryoga, but it's just that... you're not kosher."

"Kasumi! I didn't know you were...."

"I should have told you, father. I guess I'm just a little meshuginah. Anyway, I'd rather eat Mousse!"

"Why you all no want eat Shampoo? Cat is delicacy!"

"Look, you guys, why don't we start out by eating Ryoga, then we can make soup out of Mousse, serve Pop cold for supper, and make sandwiches out of Shampoo for lunch tomorrow?"

"Good idea, boy! Waitress?"

"Y'all decided, sugar?"

"Yes. We're going to have...."

RANMA AND FRIENDS

A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe


"Ranma, you stupid jerk! You do things like this just to embarrass me, don't you!"

"Hey, I let that girl take me out to dinner 'cause I was hungry. How was I supposed to know she was gonna try that stuff?"

"Ranma! What have you done to Akane now? Prepare to die!"

"Nabiki, this was your idea! Tell Akane it wasn't my fault!"

"Sorry, Ranma, my memory's a bit hazy. Maybe an even five thousand yen might clear it."

A typical morning on a typical day at the Tendo Dojo. A typical opening for a typical fanfiction. But little did Ranma and friends know that their lives would soon be changed forever.

"Oh my, I guess that's my cue." Kasumi walked casually into the living room. "Ranma, there's someone here to see you!"

"It's not that Pantyhose creep, is it?" Ranma asked as he ducked under Ryoga's fist.

"Goodness, no. See for yourself!" She held out a small purple stuffed animal.

"It's--" Ranma gaped in surprise as his jaw dropped.

Sparkles of energy twirled around the animal. Abruptly it was gone. In its place stood a purple-colored dinosaur with a goofy smile on its face.

"It's Barney!!" everyone cheered.

The dinosaur spoke in a voice that was as dopey as its expression. "Hiya, kids! I'm here to teach you all some important lessons. And we'll have some fun too!"

Kasumi held out a teapot. "Would anyone like a cup? How about you, Mr. Barney?"

"Why thank you, Kasumi!" Barney somehow lifted a teacup between his large front paws. "You always do what you're supposed to. Such a good girl!"

"Oh my, why thank you!"

"Do we have ta do this?" Ranma said glumly. "I hate school."

Akane hit him with a conveniently-placed flowerpot. "Quiet, Ranma! Just listen to what he's got to say!"

"Our first lesson is honesty. Ranma, Akane, how do you really feel about each other?"

"Me? Who says I feel anything about this uncute tomboy?"

"Oh yeah? That goes double for me, Ranma!"

"Kids, admitting your true feelings is always risky. But if you don't, you might never know that the other person feels the same way. Now try again, and this time be honest."

"Okay." Akane took a deep breath. "Ranma, I-- I love you. I know I hit you and yell at you, but that's because I'm afraid of being hurt."

"Um, well, y'know, I love you too and stuff. It's just not easy to say, y'know? Guys ain't supposed to get all gushy. Y'wanna, like, get married?"

Barney leapt up and down joyfully as Ranma and Akane embraced each other. "I'm so happy! I'm going to sing a song!"

Soun Tendo rushed into the room. "Stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here!"

"Ranma!" Ryoga cried. "What are you doing to Akane? She deserves better than you!"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lesson!" Barney turned toward Ryoga. "Our next lesson is forgiveness! Ryoga, can you forgive Ranma?"

"No!" Ryoga snarled.

"But forgiveness is divine!" Barney laughed. "Ryoga, you've got a chance to start a new life. Don't waste your time chasing after Ranma."

"Oh, all right. Guess I'll go marry Akari... or Ukyo... is this story manga or anime based? Never mind, I'll just leave."

Ryoga wandered out the door as Barney cheered. "Oh, we're all just one big happy family!"

Akane rested her head on her fiance's shoulder. "Ranma, there's something I need to tell you. I hope you won't be upset...."

"'Course not." He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "What is it?"

"Well, the truth is... I actually like your girl side better, if you know what I mean."

"Nooo!" Barney cried. "Don't say that, even if it's true! The Barney show doesn't need hundreds of letters of complaint from religious fanatics!"

A section of wall abruptly caved in to reveal a familiar shapely Amazon. "Where Ranma? Shampoo want date with him!"

Mousse came up behind her. "Shampoo! Let me date with you!"

"Stupid Mousse!" Shampoo punched him in the gut. "Who ask you come here?"

"Why, I think it's time for our next lessons!" Barney said.

"I hope one of 'em's how to use a doorknob," Ranma said dryly.

"Mousse, you're trying too hard to smother Shampoo with attention. Back up a little and give her some space! After all, if she's going to love you, it has to be her decision, doesn't it?"

Mousse could only wheeze and clutch his stomach.

"Shampoo, you need to appreciate Mousse more. He's been so nice to you, what if he decided to quit and leave you behind? Who would you have then?"

"Mousse?" Shampoo gazed with big eyes. "You nice to me? Shampoo not notice before!"

"Uh... yes!" Mousse gasped out.

"Come, Mousse! We get married!" Shampoo grabbed him by the arm and bounded away.

"Oh, it's so wonderful being able to help people!" Barney said. "There's a song about it, that goes like this...."

"Cut that out! Cut that out!" Soun interrupted.

The door flew open. "Saotome!" Tatewaki Kuno strode proudly into the room. "Release Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl at once!" He looked at the purple dinosaur. "What is this? Some foul demon you've conjured?"

Barney laughed. "Our next lesson is facing reality. Upperclassman Kuno, your 'Pig-Tailed Girl' is actually Ranma!"

"What?"

"He's under a Jusenkyo curse that turns him female. And neither he nor Akane has any love for you whatsoever!"

"And why did no one inform me of these facts?"

"Hey, it ain't like we didn't try," Ranma said.

Barney looked towards Nabiki. "Now, another lesson for today is generosity."

"I suppose this one is for me?" Nabiki interrupted. "And I'm going to be married to Kuno-chan when it's over?"

Barney jumped up happily. "Oh, love is so special!"

"Well, that's good. Because Kuno-chan just happens to be a majority stockholder in Barney, Inc. Since generosity is so good, after we're married I think I'll go to your management and tell them to give away all of that Barney merchandise for free."

"Uh..."

"Then I'll demand that the sweatshops where your Barney toys are made pay their workers union wages."

"No!!" Barney looked around desperately. "Kids, our lesson is when to leave well enough alone. Kasumi! YOU can marry Upperclassman Kuno!"

"Oh my!" Kasumi said. "But what about Dr. Tofu?"

"Never mind, I'll find someone else for him later. Oh, I'm so happy when everything works out for the best!"

Nabiki smirked. "Yup. One big happy family!"

The big happy family in question fell silent, looking around in confusion.

"Um... is that it? Is the fic over?" Ranma asked.

"Why, no!" Barney said. "In fact, it's going to switch to a totally different scene, right about... now!"


------- [Insert Section Break Marker Here] -------


Shiri looked over the woman standing in front of him. Her long blond hair wrapped into twin dumpling shapes, the too-small schoolgirl uniform she wore, made her look to him both sleazy and child-like at the same time.

She had to be selling it, he figured. Why else would she be out in his neighborhood in the evening dressed like this?

Or maybe she was one of those "Daddy's little girl" types; out to show everybody what she had, and how many million yen her father makes.

Either way, she'd never care much about a guy who didn't have any money; but it couldn't hurt to talk to her, he decided. "Hey, baby. I got it if you need it."

"Got what?" She turned and looked at Shiri quizzically. "I'm here because I hear reports that there was a youma in the area. Have you seen one?"

"A what? You mean like the little guy in that movie? 'Use the force, Luke!'"

"No! A youma! Y'know, a big monster,"

"Oh. Oh yeah. I got a big monster. C'mon over to my place, and I'll show ya."

"You do? Lead the way! As Earth's sworn champion, it is my duty to destroy it!"

"Hey! No way! All I meant was..." He leaned over to whisper something in her ear.

"Ew!" She slapped him across the face. "Unsanitary!"

Shiri nursed his bruised cheek. "You're Daddy's good little girl, ain't ya."

She planted herself into a dramatic pose. "I am Sailor Moon! Defender of justice and oppressor of evil! Or something like that."

Shiri struggled to think of a witty response. "Um... where's your boat?"

"Huh?"

"You're a sailor, right?"

"I don't have time for this." Sailor Moon turned away, looking down the street. "That youma must be around here somewhere."

Shiri watched as a six-foot high purple dinosaur waddled into view. "Hi there!" it said.

Shiri stared at the goofy-looking creature. "Who're you supposed to be?"

"Why, I'm Barney, of course! And I'm here with another one of my lessons! Today, we're going to learn not to judge by appearances! Look at my good friend Sailor Moon over there. Despite the way she looks, she's actually Earth's greatest superhero. She's saved the world countless times from the hordes of evil!"

"No kiddin'," was all Shiri could think to say.

"It's true. Hello, Sailor Moon! How are you today?"

Sailor Moon turned. "A youma!"

"Huh? Why, it's me! Barney! I'm everyone's friend!"

She lifted her hands together high above her head. "Your youma-ing days are over! Moon Deep Fat Fry!!" A pale beam of energy blasted out from her hands.

The light ray burned into the dinosaur as he screamed in deathly agony. Gray smoke emanated from his head as his entire body collapsed like a deflated ball.

"That'll teach ya!" Sailor Moon said as she looked down at the remains of her target. All that was left was a small stuffed toy, its outside partly burned away, its stuffing spilling out on the sidewalk.

"Um..." Shiri stared into space, thinking about where he could go for psychiatric help.

Sailor Moon turned and proudly walked away. "My job here is done. Besides, there's a big sale today at Garakuta's department store!"

"Oh, I get it!" Shiri said to himself as he watched the woman recede into the distance. "That's why she's called Sale-or!"

"SHAMPOOOOO!!!"

"What is it, Mousse?"

"Shampoo! These people are insulting you! They're calling you a stupid bimbo! We've got to do something!!"

"Ai you! After I trick Ranma with instant nannichuan? What I need do to show I not stupid? Solve theory of quantum gravity?"

"Er, well, talking properly might help. Uh, that is, if you..."

"Mousse, you know how hard to learn foreign language. Think fanboys can speak Chinese? In correct grammar? I no think so."

"Well, yes... but they're calling you a bimbo! We have to do something to defend you honor!"

"Okay. I prove I not bimbo. What mean 'bimbo', Mousse?"

"Er, a woman who is easy. One who will sleep with anyone."

"Right. Now suppose we show one man who I not willing have sex with. One man who keep saying love me, talk nice, give flowers, do favors for me and what what else, but I never let get anywhere. That prove I not bimbo?"

"Shampoo! What a brilliant idea!! But where will we find a man like that?"

"Shampoo got idea, Mousse."

"That's great! If there's anything I can do to help...."

"Shampoo counting on you, Mousse!"

WAKING UP

A Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe


This was written and posted to the fanfiction mailing list on Halloween (1997). Thanks go to Jeff Shelton for the title.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.



Ranma dreamed.

He was fighting against a dark multi-tentacled thing. It was a demon, with piercing red eyes that shone through the darkness. Slimy appendages struck out at him again and again, trying to worm their way into his body.

After what seemed like years, the demon finally lay beaten on the ground. Even in a dream, Ranma Saotome would not be defeated.

He woke slowly, wiping the sweat from his forehead. Stupid nightmare, he thought. It takes more than some dumb dream to frighten me.

Strangely, he felt a large and comfortable bed under him, not his usual futon. He rolled over and noticed someone lying next to him. It was Kodachi Kuno.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!" he yelled.

Kodachi's sleepy eyes opened. "What is it, darling? I didn't think you'd be up so early -- not after last night." She smiled mischeiviously.

"How... what... how did I get here?" Ranma inched away from Kodachi to the opposite edge of the bed. He took in his surroundings, a large room with luxurious furnishings. "If Akane catches me like this, she'll kill me!"

"Are you making a joke, dearest? Akane Tendo hasn't been heard from in years." The covers partially pulled away. Kodachi wore a nightgown that left little to the imagination. "Why don't you go take your shower, darling?"

"What the heck is goin' on here?" Ranma stepped to the floor, using the bedspread to cover his naked body. "Gimme back my clothes, you crazy chick!"

Kodachi stared at him, slightly bemused. "'Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.'"

"Huh?"

"That's what I said to you on the day you finally admitted your love for me, and the others gave up on you." She looked genuinely concerned. "Oh Ranma, have you really lost your memory? Maybe I should take you to see the doctor."

Ranma pulled back. "You go to see a doctor, you psycho nutcase! Have him give you some Prozac or something! I'm outta here!"

Tears welled in Kodachi's eyes. "How... how can you say that? After all we've...."

"Um, hey, you don't gotta cry or anything. I, uh, that is, I..."

"Darling, please don't go!" Kodachi snuggled up to Ranma, pressing her mostly-bare breasts against his body and grinning suggestively. "I'll make you forget all about your amnesia."

"I... uh..." Ranma had to get away. "I gotta... take a shower. Yeah, that's it." He grabbed a robe that hung on the wall, then bolted out of the room before Kodachi could protest. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere. Somewhere he could think. Why was it so hard to think?

He moved quietly and quickly down the corridor as he tied the robe. It was double-layer silk with Chinese designs all over the outside. The kind of thing he might wear, if he ever wore that kind of thing. Which he didn't.

The Kuno mansion was a maze. Ranma followed the twists and turns of the corridors, trying to find a way out. He passed a wall with a large picture of him in a tux, smiling, standing next to Kodachi in a black wedding dress. Well, she was the photo retouch expert.

What Kodachi had said just didn't make any sense. Akane gone for years? No way! No matter where he went, that tomboy would always find him eventually, though he could never be sure what she would do once she found him. And the others just giving up? No way! Shampoo giving up? She was one of the most stubborn people in the history of the universe.

But... he couldn't remember when the last time was that he had talked to Akane. Or Shampoo. Or any of the others.

Ranma heard a noise and saw a light from a room ahead of him. He recognized the same room that he had come out of. He'd obviously walked around in a circle.

Kodachi's voice came from from within. "He managed to free himself somehow. He is obviously stronger than we thought."

Ranma quietly pushed the door open to see if anyone else was there. She didn't seem to notice him.

"I promised that if you gave me Ranma, I would deliver the souls of the other four," she said. "But I must have more power!"

Ranma turned, trying to see who she was talking to. The far corner of the room was pitch dark. Lights appeared in the blackness, a pair of piercing red eyes. A gutteral voice was heard. "You shall have it."

"Kodachi!" Ranma charged into the room.

"Yes?" She stared at him, innocently. The room was brightly lit. Whatever had been in the corner, if anything, was gone. "Is everything all right, Ranma?"

"I... uh..." Ranma tried to remember what he had just been thinking about. "I, uh, forgot my towel." Yes, that was it, wasn't it? Why was it so hard to think?

"I'd better make an appointment for you to see the doctor, Darling. You're obviously under too much stress." She smiled reassuringly. "Maybe he can give you some Prozac!"




NOTES: Please don't kill me. :-) This story is a deliberate departure from canon, and not intended to imply that Kodachi would actually deal with the Powers of Darkness. It is also in no way meant to suggest that this is the most plausible scenario under which she and Ranma would end up together. Far from it. It would be much easier for her to simply keep him drugged. But this was supposed to be a Halloween story.

Challenge question: Who originally said/wrote 'Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music.'? ('Twasn't me.)

REVENGEFIC No. 2:
HOW NOT TO BE SEEN
or
Revenge is a Dish Best Served With a Side of SPAM

by Gary Kleppe


All feedback welcomed.

Kasumi Tendo is the creation and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. She is used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


I removed the screws in the back of my computer and took off the metal case. After loosening another couple of screws and pulling out a couple of cables, I had taken out the main hard drive.

I'd just found out, the hard way, that driving was a dumb idea under current conditions. That meant I was limited to public transportation, so all I'd be able to take with me would be a single suitcase. I found one and filled it with some clothes, the hard drive, and a very few personal mementos. The last remnants of the life that had been mine.

It had all started the day before. I was waiting until the time when I had to leave for class, writing some C&C for some stories on FFML, when I happened to turn my head towards the other chair in the room. I saw a very pretty Asian woman sitting there, smiling casually at me. I recognized her as the oldest Tendo sister, and did a good unintentional imitation of everyone's favorite chiropractor. "Ka-- Kasumi!? What... what brings you here?"

My stomach tightened as I remembered what time of year it was. Halloween meant open season on fanfiction authors. But why Kasumi?

"I just wanted to meet the author of 'Hearts and Minds', to let you know how much I've enjoyed being in that series. Why, if not for my training in that series, I never would have been able to do the dimensional transport spell to send myself here."

"You mean you're *that* Kasumi? The one who trained as a Shinto priestess?" Uh-oh, I thought. Canonical Kasumi wouldn't be much to worry about in the revenge department. But I had no idea what this one might be capable of. "Uh... did you like studying Shinto in this story? Because, y'know, if not I could change it...."

"Goodness, don't do that. I've done a lot of stories where all I got to do was fix lunch for Ranma as he went off to battle. It's nice really being a part of things for a change."

I searched her face for a clue as to whether she meant what she was saying. All I saw was the same inscruitable smile. But Kasumi had no reason to be revenging me, did she? Not unless she knew....

"Um, Kasumi, about the way my series ends...."

"Oh my, that's still in the future for me." She laughed. "Who can tell what the future will being?"

A Shinto priestess in my story could, that's who. I laughed along with Kasumi, knowing full well that I was in deep doo-doo.

"I've also come to do something for you. Since I've learned so much in your story, I thought it would be only fair for me to give you a special technique of your own."

Uh oh. "What kind of technique?" I asked, hoping I could stall whatever was going to happen.

I blinked. I was alone in the room. I looked all around the room; no Kasumi. I wondered if I'd finally lost it, if in fact I'd ever had it. I'd always spent a lot of time daydreaming, but this had been my first full-blown hallucination.

I went back to writing my C&C.

This story was one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I laughed for hours. Really hilarious stuff.

I moved the mouse pointer over to select an addressee for the message. A voice in my ear interrupted suddenly.

"Boo!"

"GYAH!" I turned, startled, to see Kasumi. "How... where..."

"I've been here all the time, silly!" She looked at the computer screen. "Oh my, did you really mean to send those comments to the author of 'Suicide Blast?'"

"I'll send them to the right author later." I tried to figure out what Kasumi had just done. "You can make yourself invisible?"

"Good heavens, no. I manipulated my personal aura. You didn't notice me, even when you were looking directly at me."

"And I could do that? That's what you're offering me?" I imagined what I'd be able to do with a technique like that, all the secrets I could learn. And I didn't have much to lose; if she was going to revenge me, I couldn't stop her anyway. "What do I have to do?"

"Why, nothing! I just need to make a few alterations on your aura. They'll take effect over time."

"Um..." I searched for something to say. "Will it be painful or anything?"

"Oh, no." She grinned widely, as if there was some joke I was missing. "Not even noticeable."

"Really?"

"Why yes. In fact, I've already done them." She looked over at the clock. "Goodness, look at the time! I've got to be going!"

"Wait! How do I --" But I was talking to empty space. She had disappeared again.

I sent my E-mails, then shut off the computer. Whether Kasumi was a hallucination or not, and what she had done to me if she was real, would have to wait. I had to hurry if I was going to catch the bus in time for my 9:30 class.

Heading for the bus stop, I nearly got flattened under a car who decided to turn on red while I was crossing the intersection. I dove out of his path with about an inch to spare, yelling some choice words at the driver. He just drove away, not even looking back.

I got to the stop just as the bus was loading. I jumped on at the last second as the driver nearly slammed the door on me. Geez, I thought, what's his problem? He didn't even look when I showed my pass.

Then it all made sense. Hey, I may catch on slow, especially before nine in the morning, but I do catch on.

I tested my idea by trying to attract the attention of the people on the bus. No one reacted to anything I did. I tried to concentrate, to feel my "aura", whatever that was. Nothing I did helped.

I went to the bathroom and splashed myself with cold water. No effect. I tried hot water, which also didn't work. Damn it! I wasn't going to give up. There had to be some way to turn the effect off!

A trip to the computer lab confirmed that the curse affected my E-mails too. I couldn't get any response, not even from automated servers.

Not knowing what else to do, I got on another bus and came home. I had nothing left to feel but frustration. Opening up one of my Viz Ranma issues, I found a picture of Kasumi. "Come back here and take this curse off!" I screamed. The picture didn't respond. It was no different than anyone else.

I couldn't stay here, I realized. Eventually someone would wonder whose junk was all over this room, and they'd start using it for something else. Maybe somewhere, somehow, I could find a cure.

Suitcase in hand, I took one last look at the home I was leaving behind. I thought about how I might end up injured or dead somewhere, and no one would even know.

I walked away, not really knowing where I would go. I didn't bother to say goodbye. No one would have heard, anyway.

THE RIGHT CHOICE

a CUSTOMIZABLE Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Gary Kleppe


The question "Who is Ranma's Best Babe?" has been widely debated on newsgroups and mailing lists. Finally, there is a spamfic that you to can use to show how much better your choice is!

This spamfic has been designed to be fully customizable according to the individual reader's preferences. In the following, <Fiancee A> represents the one you think ought to end up with Ranma. <Fiancee X> represents the one you least want to see with him, or the one you feel is the greatest threat or obstacle to his happiness with <Fiancee A>. <Consolation Prize> is someone else who loves <Fiancee X>, or whoever you think ought to get her instead of Ranma.

Using a global search and replace, you can edit the text of this so that your preferences are reflected. You may also wish to edit dialog to reflect the particular fiancees' speech patterns.

If you redistribute this fic, please send the original uncustomized version only; let each individual reader make his or her own substitution.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.



[Scene: Ranma is walking along the streets of Nerima, looking contented. A voice comes down, seemingly out of nowhere.]

Voice: Ranma Saotome!

Ranma: [Looks around a bit, then up at voice] Yeah?

Voice: Where are you going?

Ranma: Gonna go see <Fiancee X>.

Voice: So, you've finally decided, eh?

Ranma: Uh, yeah. I, y'know, love her and so I'm gonna marry her.

Voice: What about <Fiancee A>?

Ranma: Well, she's all right, but I only like her as a friend and stuff.

Voice: Are you sure you're making... the right choice?

Ranma: Whattaya mean?

Voice: Have you thought about what your life could be like if you chose <Fiancee A>?

Ranma: Well, I dunno....

Voice: Watch this!


[Scene dissolves. We see a much older Ranma, his hair mostly gray, together at a dinner table with <Fiancee A> who still looks as beautiful as ever.]

Ranma: Honey, it's been a great life. I'm so glad I chose you!

<Fiancee A>: Me too, honey. We've raised four wonderful children, saved the world from hordes of demonic invaders, taken long walks in the park...

Ranma: And the sex has been great!

<Fiancee A>: [slightly embarrassed] Right, darling. We've had so many wonderful years together, filled with joy and happiness...

Ranma: ... and sex...

<Fiancee A:> Right, honey. [laughs]

Ranma: Did I mention the...

[The door crashes open. We see <Fiancee X> storm in. She has obviously deteriorated over the years. Her face is distorted, with some hair and a few teeth gone. Though still muscular, she has gained a bit of weight in all the worst places. She looks angry.]

<Fiancee X>: Ranma! How dare you be happy!

[<Fiancee X> pulls out an axe and charges forward at Ranma, but she slips on a banana peel and ends up stabbing herself in the heart.]

<Fiancee A>: Oh no! Please don't die! Ranma, help me get her to the hospital!

Ranma: Too late, she's dead. [strikes dramatic pose] Why, oh why, couldn't she just accept the inescapable threads of destiny that binds me to <Fiancee A>?! If she had only accepted <Consolation Prize>'s love, everything would have been all right. But no, she had to struggle against what had to be. It was her tragic flaw.

<Fiancee A>: Her tragic flaw?

Ranma: Well... that and a few other things. But let us not think about that. Let us simply remember her as having nobly sacrificed her own life so that the two of us could be together.

<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma!

Ranma: So... what do you wanna do now?


[Return to original scene with normal-aged Ranma]

Voice: Still think you're making the right choice?

Ranma: Well, uh... I dunno...

Voice: Then watch this!


[Scene dissolves again. We see a barren landscape strewn with corpses. Demonic creatures are running around, killing whatever people happen to be left. A young adult version of <Fiancee X> stands amidst the chaos, smiling evilly. Ranma is slumped on the ground next to her, looking emaciated and completely out of it.]

<Fiancee X>: Nya ha ha!

[<Fiancee A> runs over to the pair of them.]

<Fiancee A>: No!! What are you doing to Ranma?

<Fiancee X>: Too late! I've tapped into his ki energy so that I may use it in my evil plans! Nothing can stop me from taking my ultimate revenge on anyone who ever insulted me or parked in a space where I wanted to!

Ranma: I had jello today.

<Fiancee A>: Oh Ranma! What a fool I was to let you marry <Fiancee X>! I only wanted you to be happy! Please, you have to reject your foolish, misguided love for her and fight back!

Ranma: It had little pieces of fruit inside it.

<Fiancee X>: There's nothing you can do, my dear. My demons will ravage the world, killing everything that lives! Nya ha ha!!

[A demon slashes its claws into <Fiancee X> from behind, ripping out several organs.]

<Fiancee X>: ... of course, I could've thought this thing through a little better... [dies]

<Fiancee A>: Oh, Ranma! And to think you could have prevented all of this just by choosing me!

Ranma: It was orange flavored.

[<Fiancee A> weeps as she and Ranma are mauled by hordes of demons. The view pans back as the entire Earth becomes a lifeless wasteland. It then fades back to the original scene.]


Voice: Still want to marry <Fiancee X>?

Ranma: No way! I'm making the right choice!

Voice: <Fiancee A>. The right choice. Appearing in fanfictions near you!

Nabiki: [From out of shot] Cut!


[We pull back to see Nabiki, along with Hiroshi and Daisuke. Hiroshi is carrying a camcorder. Daisuke has a microphone and has obviously been doing the voice-overs.]

Nabiki: Thank you, Ranma.

Ranma: Okay, I did your dumb commercial. This means I don't owe you that money no more, right?

Nabiki: Your debt is... reduced.

Akane: My own sister!

Nabiki: [counting a wad of bills that <Fiancee A> has just handed her] Sorry sis, but cash is thicker than blood!


[If Akane is <Fiancee A>, replace the last two lines with the following:]

<Fiancee X>: No fair! Favoritism!

Nabiki: [counting money from Akane] Hey, if you've got the cash, I'll do one for you too!


[If on the other hand <Fiancee A> is Nabiki, replace the ending scene as follows:]

Ranma: Okay, I did your dumb commercial. This means I don't owe you that money no more, right?

Nabiki: Not... quite. You still need to do one more thing.

Ranma: [sighs] What?

Nabiki: [takes him by the arm] Come and watch it with me a few times.

Akane: My own sister!!

Nabiki: Hey, all's fair in love and business!

This should not be confused with the longer "Ryouga and Ukyo" work. It is dedicated to all those on the net who support the lifetime pairing of these two characters.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


Ryoga looked down suspiciously at the food in front of him. He picked up a morsel of meat, sniffing it. "This isn't what I think it is, is it?"

"I know how you feel about pork," Ukyo replied, annoyed. "I just wanted something different for once! How many ways do you think there are to make okonomiyaki anyway?"

"So what's wrong with having something else besides okonomiyaki?" Ryoga asked. Ukyo glared back at him as if he'd asked a really stupid question.

Ryoga sighed. "I shouldn't be doing this. This was a mistake. I ought to go back to Akane. Back to being P-chan." He pushed his plate away. "I could've gotten married to Akari. She'd still be waiting for me now if she hadn't met that American talk radio host."

"Damn it, Ryoga!" Ukyo snapped back. "You know as well as I do why we're doing this! You love Akane. Do you want to be her husband, or just her pet?"

"You know how much I love Akane. It's just that... I'm starting to wonder if this idea is ever going to work."

"Of course it'll work. Just give it time." Ukyo gave her husband a look of confidence. "We both know how jealous Ran-chan can be. Once he sees you, his rival, in a happy marriage with me, he won't be able to resist the urge to try to steal me away from you. When I let him do that, it'll leave Akane for you."

The computer next to the dining table beeped. Ryoga checked the display. "There's a voice E-mail. I'll put it on the speaker."

The electronically-synthesized voice filled the room. "Hi, Dad! Hi, Mom! Just wanted to let you know that Sachiko and I will be coming for the weekend like we said. The kids are coming, too. They're home from college, and eager to see Grandpa and Grandma. See you then!"

Ryoga hit the save button. "That's nice. It'll be good to see them again."

"Yeah," Ukyo said. "It has been a while, hasn't it."

Ryoga went back to his food, picking out the bits of pork. Ukyo was probably right, it would work sooner or later. He just had to give it a little more time.

"Why, you... "

"OUCH!! Woo woo woo... nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

Ranma sat watching the televison. It was an American comedy show dubbed into Japanese. The Three Stooges. It was a black and white show, from many years ago. Ranma wondered what had ever become of the comedians who made it.

Akane stormed into the room. She was carrying a pot with some slimy green substance slithering around inside it. She slammed the pot forcefully onto the table in front of Ranma.

"Eat!" Akane said, glaring at Ranma with extreme hostility.

"Uh..." Ranma said.

"What do you mean, 'uh'?!?" Akane said as her mallet crashed down on his head. "HOW DARE YOU?! <bam!>You STUPID <bam!> INCONSIDERATE <bam!> PERVERTED <bam!> SCUM! <bam!> <bam!> DIE! <bam!> DIE!!" She struck Ranma repeatedly, punctuating her words with mallet strikes as she beat her fiance into a bloody pulp.

Oh no, Akane thought as she looked at the bleeding lump of flesh in front of her. There's something wrong with Ranma? How could this have happened? What did it mean?

"Ohhh... " Ranma groaned, his consciousness starting to return.

"I'M TRYING TO THINK!!!" Akane screamed, bashing Ranma again and again with her mallet. "SHUT UP!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> HOW can you <bam!> be so <bam!> THOUGHTLESS <bam!> and INCONSIDERATE <bam!> TIME <bam!> AND TIME <bam!> AGAIN<bam!> <bam!> ??"

Oh, no! Not again?!? Ranma was hurt! A thought dawned on Akane. Could she have had something to do with this?

It couldn't be. She couldn't have been turned into a mindless one-dimensional character. She had internal dialog! That proved it! Oh, why did she do it? How could she help her Ranma now?

"A... Akane..."

"SHUT UP!! <bam!> <bam!> DIE!! <bam!> DIE!! <bam!> <bam!> MAIM!! <bam!> KILL!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> " Akane struck, her mallet pounding down again and again until Ranma was reduced to his basic atomic and molecular components. Then she did the same for the house.

Oh, what have I done, she thought...

Then she noticed she was being watched. It was a man, an older man with white skin, and a haircut not unlike hers.

"It's happened again, hasn't it," the man said.

"Who are you?!" Akane snapped.

"The name's Moses Harry Horwitz, but you can call me Moe. I used to be a comedian. Me and my buddies, we used to make people laugh by slapping each other around. Every time I'd hit Curly in the head with a hammer, boy, those audiences would laugh, let me tell you.

"Then something changed. Suddenly Curly was actually getting hurt when I'd hit him. He lost an eye when I poked him. I couldn't stop. I bashed him over the head with a wrench and gave him a concussion. Still, I couldn't stop.

"Larry tried to stop me. He turned out to be a really nice guy, with no particular inclination toward violence at all. He tried to get Curly away from me, but it was no use. I... I ended up killing them both. The other two, Shamp -- I mean Shemp, and Kochi Joe or whatever his name was, they were nowhere to be found. Oh God, when I think about it, the horror..."

"Oh, you poor man," Akane cried. "Oh no. How could I have done such a thing!!!! Ranma!! I'll never see your smile again, never hear you laugh, never touch your hand in mine!"

"I'm sorry," Moe said. "If there's anything I can do..."

"Could..." Akane said, her voice choking on tears, "could I pretend that you're Ranma? Just to have him back for a moment to say goodbye?"

Moe nodded in assent.

"Then DIE!!!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> MAIM!!! <bam!> KILL!!! <bam!> <bam!> KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>"


THE END

THEY NEVER LISTEN
a not-all-that-tragic story
told by Gary Kleppe




Working as the Guide, you never knew who you would meet next. That was part of the fun of the job.

The man and the woman appeared to be forty-ish. They both had light brown hair, and their white skin looked like it had been severely sunburnt. Average build, pretty much typical-looking westerners. A Chinese boy tailed behind them, toting a pair of suitcases. "Is this the cursed... is this Jusenkyo?" the man struggled to ask in Chinese.

"That right," the Guide answered in English. She used deliberately poor diction; though she was capable of much better English, people had come to expect the pidgin-speech. "More than one hundred spring here, each have own tragic legend!"

"Is this where Ranma Saotome started out?" the woman asked.

"Yes. More than ten year ago, he come here and fall in pool. He now famous martial arts fighter. But you no can become martial artist by go in pools here."

"You are the Jusenkyo Guide?" The man looked at the slim young woman, dressed plainly, with her long black hair tied into a braid hanging down her back, and consulted a book. "It says in here that you're a pudgy, bald man."

"Oh, that father. I take over job from him. My name is Lizi."

"Lizi," the woman said, looking in another book. "Doesn't that mean 'ruffian' or 'riff-raff'?"

** PREPARE FOR FLASHBACK!! **

"That word is PIzi. My name mean the fruit 'plum'. Maybe you call me by English word 'Plum'."

"Pleased to meet you, Plum. We're looking for a particular spring that you probably know about." The man took out a photograph and showed it to Plum.

** FLASHBACK AHEAD! ONLY ONE MORE PARAGRAPH! **

"Oh, yes. This picture of American actor from ten years ago. Dirk Peters. I know spring you mean, this one," she said, pointing. "Father tell me very tragic story of this pool..."

________________________________________________________________________

|**********************************************************************|

|***********(Woo hoo!!)********************************(Hooray!)*******|

|**********************************************************************|

|*****************   B E G I N    F L A S H B A C K   *****************|

|**********************************************************************|

|**********************************************************************|

|______(Yay!)________________________________________(Ding! Ding!)_____|

"Sir, this dangerous place. You need be careful," the Guide said. He could tell the boy wasn't listening to him. They never listen until it's too late.

The boy was thin and scrawny, with deep bags under his beady eyes. "Set that down right here," he said to the two local youths behind him. They carried some large object with a sheet tied around it.

"My name is Hikaru Gosunkugi," the boy said. "I need to find one of your springs that is fresh, I mean one that nothing has drowned in."

"There one here. But why you want that?'

"I've heard the story of the Ashura-niquan. A statue of the goddess Ashura was dropped into one of these springs, and because of it the spring later turned that girl Rouge into an actual Ashura. I'm tired of being the kind of guy that a woman doesn't give a second look to."

"You want become Ashura? Very bad idea, sir."

"Oh no. But I realized what that meant. That I could use a statue of something to change myself into that thing. Take a look at this." Gosunkugi untied a knot and pulled away the sheet to reveal a carving of a handsome muscular man. "This is Dirk Peters. He's a weightlifter and actor. Women all over are crazy about him. This is what I want to look like!"

"Oh, sir, we don't know for sure that it work like that. It could have been real Ashura that drowned in that spring. Whoever said it was a statue maybe be mistake, or story could changed over time. Many religious group want you to believe Ashura never real. They maybe make story that it only statue. I not want you make mistake."

"I spent my life savings to do this. I'm going through with it!" Gosunkugi pushed the carving into the pool. Minutes later, he dove in after it.

________________________________________________________________________

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|***********(Much Rejoicing!)**************************(Whee!)*********|

|**********************************************************************|

|******************   E N D    F L A S H B A C K   ********************|

|**********************************************************************|

|**********************************************************************|

|______(Bwee!)____________________________________(Thanks for coming!)_|

"Yes, that's the same story we heard," the man said. "I've always been a big fan of Dirk Peters. My wife, an even bigger one. We thought, wouldn't it be great if I could look like him after a splash of cold water."

"It would be exciting," the woman said, stroking her husband's hair. "Especially in bed!"

The man stepped to the edge of the pool. "Geronimo!" he yelled as he dove in.

"Wait!" Plum said. "I haven't finished my tragic --"

The man crawled out of the pool, no longer looking as he did. He was now a scrawny Asian young man, with deep bags under his eyes.

"Oh, too bad. You fall in Gosunkugi-niquan!" Plum said, trying not to smirk. She'd given them a chance, but they didn't listen. None of them ever listened until it was too late. That was the real fun of the job.

END

______________________________________________________________

Author's note: I've never understood why people explicitly announce flashback scenes, but I thought I'd try it here. Lest you think that I'm getting weird, I should remind you that I've always been weird. :P

"I have this friend," began Ukyo Kuonji, "a male friend. He's waiting outside. He's a battered spouse, and I think it might help him to join this group."

"We're not usually comfortable with the idea of men in our group." Group leader Kimiko noticed Ukyo fingering her enormous spatula, a spatula with which the young chef was obviously capable of pounding the whole group into okonomiyaki batter. "But we could make an exception. Tell us about this friend of yours."

"He's a martial artist. After many years, he finally married a girl who he's deeply in love with. But she treats him like dirt. She pounds him for every little annoyance, and generally doesn't care about anything he has to say. He's not a bad fighter, but he just won't fight back. Not against her."

"Let's bring him in and hear what he has to say." Kimiko called out to the corridor, "Come in, please!" A man entered, a handsome man in Chinese clothes.

"Er... Hello. My name is..."

An angry female voice came from outside. "MOUSSE!!!"

Shampoo stormed into the room. "Mousse!! What you do here!?!"

Mousse dropped to his knees. "I'm so sorry!! My darling Shampoo, I'm sorry!! Please, please forgive me!!!" He continued to grovel as he was dragged out of the room, Shampoo mumbling something about having duck for dinner.

Ukyo and the group women looked at each other.

"Hopeless," Kimiko said. The others nodded.


A SERIOUS NOTE: This is a parody, and not to be taken seriously. REAL physical abuse of any kind SHOULD be taken seriously, and is NOT hopeless. Those who suffer from physical abuse are urged to get help.

[Scene: Barney on stage with his four little kids.]

Barney: Hi, kids! Hyuk hyuk Today we have a very special guest! Hyuk Please welcome skating sensation Azusa Shiratori hyuk hyuk!

[Enter Azusa]

Azusa: Hello!

Barney: Azusa is here to teach us about sharing! Kids, it's twice the fun when you share with others hyuk hyuk! For example, this Barney doll, that your mom and dad can order from us for only...

Azusa: Bernadette! [grabs doll] Oh, you're so cute!!

Barney: Maybe Azusa hyuk hyuk would like to share that Barney doll with some of our friends here?

Azusa: No!! Bernadette is mine!

Barney: Well, I've got something to share with you, Azusa! This pair of hyuk hyuk Barney roller skates! Available from the Barney Shopping Network's toll free number...

Azusa: I've got something to share with you, Mister Dinosaur!

Barney: Why, that's wonderful! I'll sing a song about it hyuk hyuk! What is it?

Azusa: It's Azusa's hot water kettle!

Barney: Oh no!!

[The picture is replaced by a 'Please Stand By" screen as the water is heard splashing.]

One of the kids' voice: Look! Barney's got a --

Announcer's voice: (bad Chinese accent) Spring of drowned purple dinosaur. Very tragic story.

There have been a lot of stories over the past year or two with one or more of the characters dying and the others having to cope with the loss. The stories of this type are often some of the most moving, emotionally engaging works that fanfiction has to offer.

But THIS one is... different.


The characters of Ranma 1/2, as well as the special guest star from One-Pound Gospel, are the creation of and rightful property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission. This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered substantially or used for profit in any way.


1

(SCENE: Morning in the Tendo Dojo. Ranma and Akane are in the living room arguing. Nabiki is there, buried in her stock portfolio, trying to ignore the heated discussion going on. Kasumi can be heard from the kitchen, cooking and humming blissfully to herself.)

Nabiki:

Akane: Insensitive jerk! How can you be going on a date with Shampoo!?!

Ranma: Hey, she trapped me into it! Do you think I'd go out with her if there wasn't a good reason? She offered me free food.

Akane: What do you mean, free food??

Ranma: Y'know, stuff to eat that I don't need to pay for.

Akane: How would you like it if I was with another guy?

(P-chan sticks out his tongue at Ranma as he snuggles into Akane's lap.)

Soun: What's this about you going out with Shampoo? (Head getting big) Why would you do such a thing?!?

Ranma: I... er... uh...

Kasumi: (Emerging from kitchen) Ohayo, Akane! Ohayo, Ranma! You want something to eat?

Ranma: Yeah! That's it! That's the reason!

Soun: How can you go out with Shampoo for food? Why do you think we've been feeding you here for the last couple of years?

Nabiki:

Kasumi: Ohayo, Nabiki!

Nabiki: What?

Kasumi: Ohayo!

Nabiki: That's right!! That's where it is! Kasumi, you're a genius!

Kasumi: Good heavens!

(In the dojo, Genma is training new student Kosaku Hatanaka.)

Genma: Discipline, lad. That's what it's all about. To become a master of any fighting technique, you must discipline yourself. Any distractions must be ignored. The world will try to distract you from the art. You must not let that happen. The art must take priority over all else. Now, let us begin the first training exercise...

Kasumi: (Sticks head into dojo area) Breakfast!

(Genma and Hatanaka stampede to the dining room)

Akane: Have your little date, Ranma. Just don't bother showing up back here after you're done.

Ranma: You mean I don't get to eat here no more?

Kasumi: Shall I set one less place for breakfast, father?

(One of the walls crumbles to reveal a familiar Chinese amazon.)

Shampoo: Nihao!

Kasumi: Shampoo! Hello! Shall I set one more place for breakfast?

Hatanaka: Couldn't she have used the door?

Shampoo: Is Amazon law. As Amazon warrior, I not allowed to use doorknob until doorknob defeat me in combat! (Nabiki winces.) Ranma ready for date?

Ranma: Uh, about that date...

Shampoo: Not try to get out of it! Shampoo have deep love and affection for you, Ranma. You try to get out of date, I have to hurt you!

(Ranma thinks for a second, then a huge spatula comes down on his head. Enter Ukyo.)

Ukyo: Ranchan!! How could you let Shampoo bribe you with food into going out with her? I could have done that!!

Kasumi: One more for breakfast?

(Ranma gets up, but is knocked down by a flurry of miscellaneous objects. Enter Mousse.)

Mousse: Ranma!! How dare you try to seduce Shampoo into surrendering her virtue? I want to be the one to do that!

(Ranma staggers up, then a cloud of gas hits his face and he collapses. Enter Kodachi.)

Kodachi: OH HO HO HO HO HO HO!!!!! I, Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose, will not allow you to steal away my darling Ranma; for it is I who love him most of all!

Kasumi: Two more for breakfast?

(A general melee breaks out among the four new arrivals, with the unmoving Ranma getting stepped on and generally taking a good share of the punishment. Suddenly Akane runs up, pissed.)

Akane: I've had enough, Ranma!!!

(Akane punches Ranma through the roof.)

Ukyo: Oh well. Time for school. (Leaves)

Kodachi: The Black Rose shall return!! (leaves)

Mousse: Well, I guess I'm out of he --

(Ranma comes crashing down, hitting Mousse squarely in the head and knocking him out. Kasumi goes to examine Ranma.)

Kasumi: Oh dear. Ranma is dead.

Akane: Dead?!?

Kasumi: It's okay, I know what to do.

Akane: You do?

Kasumi: Yes. I'll just set one less place for breakfast!

2

Akane: What do you mean, Ranma is dead??

Kasumi: It's a condition involving a permanent cessation of the body's circulatory system, resulting in the shutdown of brain activity and the eventual decomposition of...

Akane: Dying. How inconsiderate! Isn't that inconsiderate of him, P-chan?

(P-chan nods affirmatively. He looks at Ranma, then runs off to the bathroom.)

Nabiki: Ranma is dead? This is the chance of a lifetime!! (looks at Ranma) No offense. (Dials phone)

Genma: Tendo, this is the chance we've been waiting for!

Soun: How's that, Saotome?

Genma: The chance to try out...

Soun: You mean...

Both: Anything Goes Martial Rigor Mortis Training!!

(Ryoga rushes into room, hair still wet)

Ryoga: Ranma!! How DARE you die before I've had a chance to kill you!!

Akane: Oh, hi, Ryoga!

Ryoga: Oh, er, hi Akane! (shakes Ranma's body) Don't think you've escaped my revenge, Ranma!!

Shampoo: Feh. Ranma no have to die just to get out of date!

Nabiki: Really? How else would you have let him out of it, Shampoo?

Shampoo: Uh... um...

Nabiki: (into phone) Hello? Kuno-chan? Ranma says to meet you at school for a fight at eight. What's that? Why are you fighting? Why... because he called you a "blithering idiot with spam for brains," of course! Bye now! (hangs up) I've got to go down to school to make sure all the bets get covered. Carry Ranma for me, Ryoga. (they leave)

Mousse: (getting up) At last! Finally Shampoo will be free from Ranma!

Shampoo: Mousse got spam for brains! This not end Shampoo's obligation!

Mousse: Huh?

Cologne: (entering suddenly) Shampoo is correct. According to the 1947 Conditioner Vs. Deodorant court decision, in the case of a dead fiance the obligation of the amazon defeated by him is transferred according to the written pre-designations of the former betrothed.

Shampoo: Come again?

Cologne: You need to find out who Ranma left you to in his will.

Kasumi: Oh dear. I'm afraid Ranma hasn't made out a will.

Cologne: In that case, his next of kin...

Genma: Excuse me... (Slips outside and jumps in pond; Shampoo follows)

Shampoo: Wo de airen! (Glomps Genma-panda, who holds a sign "I'm just a panda!")

Akane: Definitely inconsiderate.

(Nodoka enters)

Nodoka: I heard my son was here! And my worthless husband!

Shampoo: (yelling from outside) Is now Shampoo's worthless husband!

Kasumi: Oh my. Ranma is here, but I'm afraid he's dead.

Nodoka: Oh dear. (Sees Ranma) But how manly he looks!

Kasumi: Goodness, yes!

Akane: Hmph!

3

(Shampoo and Cologne are in the Tendo living room with the dojo crew. The two Amazons are at the table with various papers spread over it.)

Shampoo: What about this one? 1951 case, Facial Scrub end marriage to Mr. Bubble by file lawsuit.

Cologne: That's no good. The Amazon Supreme Court later ruled that that decision only applies when the defendant is a left-handed yak farmer from Guangzhou.

Shampoo: Aiyou, Genma not left-handed. This hopeless!

Cologne: Keep trying. There must be a loophole somewhere!

(Tatewaki enters)

Nabiki: My champion! How'd the fight go?

Tatewaki: Very well indeed. I actually came quite close to winning.

Nabiki: (major face-fault) You mean you lost?!?

Genma & Soun: The Anything Goes Martial Rigor Mortis training was a success!!! (High-five each other)

Nabiki: Sigh... I guess you know you're responsible for paying off on all the bets, Kuno-chan. Where is Ranma now, anyway?

Tatewaki: My twisted sister carried him away after the fight. She said something about taking him out to dinner.

Kasumi: Oh dear! In all the excitement, I've forgotten to cook dinner for us!

Soun: Excitement?

Akane: It's Ranma's fault.

Genma: How could you!! Where are your priorities!

Kasumi: It's all right, there are leftovers in the refrigerator! (Genma looks happy) They're from two days ago, when Akane cooked dinner! (Genma looks worried)

Hatanaka: Sorry, I finished those off this afternoon.

Soun: You ate all of that food?

Hatanaka: Yeah, I liked it. I wish there had been more, though.

Soun: Sir, you are the first person ever to eat my daughter Akane's cooking and ask for more. If you and Akane were to be married, the future of the Anything Goes School would be secure!

Hatanaka: Well... I...

Akane: What do you mean, married?

Nabiki: Have you got a listening comprehension problem or something?

Akane: What do you mean, listening comprehension?

Soun: Unless Mr. Hatanaka is already interested in someone. Is there anyone special in your life, sir?

Hatanaka: Well, it's like this... it's a... kind of like... there's this... nun.

Soun: None? Good! Then it's settled.

Akane: Ranma dies, and I end up engaged to a boxer from another series. He's soooooo inconsiderate!

Shampoo: Shampoo got idea. What if husband die with no living male family members?

Cologne: Then the obligation would have been discharged, but that's not what happened...

(Shampoo pulls out a big knife and grins)

Cologne: Excellent idea, Shampoo.

(Cut to Kodachi. She's on a roof somewhere, looking down at Ranma's lifeless body.)

Kodachi: Finally, Ranma darling. Finally you can see that it is I, the Black Rose, who loves you most of all. I am the one whose love for you is truly unconditional. For us, your death is but a new beginning! The loving between us will be boundless and unending! We will...

(There is a sudden downpour of rain.)

Kodachi: (Looking at Ranma) You?! How dare you!! Bring back my darling Ranma! You wicked, WICKED corpse!!! (Starts beating on girl-Ranma as we fade out...)

END

Any reactions, C&C, or threats to do a "Gary Is Dead" story are welcomed!

UKYO

I met him when my Pop had just been beat
He made me a challenge that I could eat, Okonom'yaki
Okonomiyaki

I saw him next day at Furinkan
I remembered that I used to call him Ucchan
short for Ukyo
U-K-Y-O Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

I gotta say I don't remember why
My Pop had run away with his dad's yatai
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

I'm not dumb but I can't understand
Why he ran after us when he had his own dad
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

Well, he said that I didn't understand
I told him just to be a man
He threw an okonomiyaki
It said "meet me behind the gym at three!"

Well I'm not the worlds most perceptive guy
But Ukyo was pissed and I couldn't tell why
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

We fought on a grill
He tried lots of tricks
I grabbed his big stick
And hit to his chest
Then I found out Ukyo had breasts

Well that's why Ukyo wanted to stay
but Pop already promised me to A-kan-e
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo
Ukyo covered up her feminity
Practiced cooking and fighting by the raging sea
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

Well I took Ukyo out of there quick
And gave her back her fighting stick
I told Ukyo that she really was cute
Right then Akane had to poke in her snoot

Well I'm not a guy who wants another girlfriend
But that's how it all turned out in the end with Ukyo
U-U-U-U-Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo
Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo U-U-U-U-Ukyo

Sung to the tune of "Lola" by the Kinks, in case you couldn't tell.
The story described is from the series Ranma 1/2; Volume 9 parts
5-7 of the original Japanese series, Part 5 stories 1-3 of the
Viz Comics translation. All Ranma 1/2 characters and stories are
the property of Rumiko Takahashi.

"I'm looking for something called the Pool of Truth," Ranma said. "Any of you guys know where it is?"

"Ohaiyo!" the men said, as they thrust their tour guidebooks into Ranma's face yet again.

"I told you, I ain't got no money to pay for that!" Ranma said impatiently. "Besides, the thing I'm looking for ain't on that map. I already checked!"

"Ohaiyo!" they said again.

"They don't speak Japanese," said another man. He looked the same as the others, small and middle aged and dressed inconspicuously. "I speak a little. They think you just tourist. The way you dressed in old style clothes."

"Do you know where the Pool of Truth is?" Ranma asked.

"That thing? It just an old story. The park use it to get tourist to come and spend money. You looking for truth, you not get it from some water."

Ranma moved on. He had to keep looking. The Pool was probably just a myth, but he was desperate and willing to try anything.

It had been so simple just a little while ago. He had just defeated Saffron, with Akane very nearly a casualty of the battle. He was sure then that he loved her, would've given anything for her to be alive and back to normal. Which she soon was. But after that came all the old familiar doubts, about bad cooking, about being malleted for every misunderstanding, about everything.

Pop had told him about the legend of the Pool. It was supposed to be able to tell you the answer to any one question. Pop wasn't noted for coming up with good ideas, but it was worth a try. He and Pop had left the others back in Hefei and hiked to this park. Pop had insisted that he go into the park alone, or as alone as you could get in China without being in a wilderness like Jusenkyo. After all, it was Ranma's quest.

The path Ranma was following came to a large pond. Was this it? Strangely enough, there were no other people around. Ranma looked into the pond. The water was very dirty and muddy, and it was impossible to see anything in it except his own reflection. No answers there. Stupid, he thought, of him to think there would be.

Ranma sighed. "What the heck am I gonna do?"

The water swirled, as if some piece of debris were floating to the surface. Ranma gaped with amazement, as he could barely see Japanese writing on something below the water's surface. Through the muddy water he could barely make out what it said:

You love Akane. Marry her."

"Aaaaa!!!" Ranma backed away in surprise, as if he had seen a ghost. When he turned to look again, the writing was gone. But he knew now that it had been right. Deep down he had known it all along.

Ranma turned and walked casually back the way he had come, then started moving faster. He wanted to get back to town, to see Akane.

A little later, the waters of the pond swirled violently, and the figure of a giant panda came to the surface. It spat out the hollow reed that it had been using as a snorkel. It too then departed the scene, following a shortcut through the woods. It silently thanked whatever gods might be for signs and waterproof ink. It had been a risky plan, a lot of things could have gone wrong, but Genma had been desperate and willing to try anything.

"What's this grave danger you've come to warn us about?" Soun Tendo asked the bald Chinese man who had just shown up at his dojo.

"Very bad, sirs," said the Jusenkyo Guide to the assemblage of Saotomes and Tendos. Soun motioned for the Guide to sit.

Kasumi presented the Guide with a cup of tea. "The Guide was saying that some Gaijin tourists had come to Jusenkyo, father," she said. "They had heard the legends of the place and wanted to see it for themselves. He seems to think that they unwittingly set some sort of disaster in motion."

"Shouldn't this guy be telling us this instead of Kasumi?" Ranma wondered aloud.

"The author doesn't feel like writing long passages of exposition in the Guide's pidgin-speech," answered Nabiki. "Maybe he'll have to start now, though."

The Guide produced a small, well-worn notebook. "Here, sirs, here is log book from expedition." That's one way of getting out of it, thought Nabiki, but for how long? Having the best English reading comprehension skills of the group, she picked up the notebook and began to read.

"'Day one. Arrived at Jusenkyo. This place is huge! I never thought it would have so many pools! They say some of these pools can turn you into Superman or into a giant monster or something. The ugly old guy here is getting on everybody's nerves already. He can barely even speak English. Just goes on and on about something bad happening or whatever. He just doesn't want us to find any of the good pools. But how are we going to know which ones they are if he won't tell us?

"'Day two. George had a good idea for once in his life. He went out and brought back a box full of white mice. By dunking a mouse in each pool, we'll be able to see what each pool does without having to jump in ourselves. I drew a map of one section of the pools and numbered them on the map.

"'Day three. Shit! It really does work! I put a mouse into pool 1 and out came some sort of roach. The tail disappeared, of course, so I couldn't hold on to it for examination. Who wants to be a roach anyway? But this is still unbelievable! This stuff has got to be worth a fortune back home if we can just find a better pool to use. I thought about how to dunk the mice and still hang on to them when the tails disappear. Sheila finally got the idea to use some of the mosquito netting from our camping gear to make a bag, with a long spoon as a handle.

"'Day four. Dunked a mouse in pool 2. Nothing. Spent an hour or so examining the mouse for any change. None. Tried pool 3. Looked the same as 2 at first, until George noticed that the mouse that used to be female was now male. Why he was paying so much attention to those parts of the mouse in the first place, I'm not sure. But this is encouraging.'"

Ryoga spoke up, excited. "Did he write down where that particular pool was? Did he?"

"Why are you so interested in that pool, Ryoga?" teased Ranma.

"Because he's trying to help you, Ranma," answered Akane irritatedly. "Are you that ungrateful that you make fun of him for it?"

"Um, no, sorry" was all Ranma could think to answer.

Nabiki continued translating. "'We spent some time examining the mouse. Hot water turned it back into a female, and cold water turned it back to a male. This worked over and over every time we tried it. Incredible, but I don't suppose anyone could make much money by selling water that turned you into a man.'" Around here someone certainly could, Nabiki thought. And Americans are supposed to have such good business sense...

"Anyway. 'Day five. Dunked mouse in pool 4. The ground I was standing on crumbled under me and I almost fell in. The mouse turned into a slug. I was that close to being a slug. Maybe the old guy is right. The cold water - hot water thing still worked on the mouse-slug.

"'Sheila dunked another mouse in pool 5. Nothing. George tried one in pool 6. The net broke and there was one of those huge black and white bears. It got out of the pool and wandered off. Not like we were going to be able to stop it.

"'Day six. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that some... spirit (is that the right word?) was watching over me. She (it was a she) laughed at me and told me that we'd get nothing good out of this place. I guess that old guy is getting to me. But it's starting to look like maybe he was right. I tried pool 7, the mouse turned into a minuature black piggy. Who would want to turn into that? George tried one in pool 8, nothing. George wanted us to take the rest of today off and get drunk, but I knew if I let him get drunk around the pools he'd end up staggering into one of them and come out as a slug or something.

"'Day seven. How the hell did it happen? Sheila was putting a mouse into pool 9 when she slipped and fell in the pool. She's never been so clumsy. Before we could pull her out she turned into a goddamn duck. She went berserk and flew out of the pool. Then George, now this I can believe, tried to catch her and forgot that ducks can fly and he can't. He ran straight into pool 8, carrying the backpack with all our food supplies. It turned George into a mouse. Now we know why this pool didn't do anything to our mouse, it was already a mouse.

"'Day eight. From bad to worse. I'm getting ready to leave. No sign of Shiela. I pour hot water on the mouse I thought was George, and nothing happens. I must have gotten them mixed up. I'm getting out of here. If I stay any longer, it'll be me next. I need food. There's some kind of primitive village near here. I'm sure they'll give me food, seeing as how I've brought my gun. It looked like mostly women there.' That's the last entry. I think we can guess what happened to him."

"It sounds like these fools got what they deserved," said Genma.

"'Fools' is right," said Nabiki. "There must be a hundred ways to make money with the kind of water they found. Why, you could..." She stopped, realizing that nobody wanted to hear this.

"Excuse me," Soun Tendo politely asked the Guide, "but didn't you mention something about a terrible danger? It seems to me like these three will be in no condition to cause any trouble now."

All eyes turned to the Jusenkyo Guide. The author has no way out of it now, thought Nabiki.

"True, sirs, but what dey did in Jusenkyo will have very grave consequences," he said, slurring his "r"'s in a way that the author couldn't figure out a way to transliterate. "Pools dey call 2 and 5 dey t'ink have no effect, but dey wrong. Most Jusenkyo water store physical form of whoever first immerse in it. Some water a little different, store mental properties. Pool 2 is pool where many year ago simple village idiot drown in. That no problem. But pool 5 very bad. That one spring of drowned genius. Most brilliant man in China drowned in dat spring nine hundred year ago. Mouse now have mind of brilliant genius!"

"So you're tellin' us," said Ranma, "that there's a mouse runnin' around with a super-genius brain? I don't get it. I mean, even if it's that smart, how the heck much trouble can a mouse cause?"

*************

In China, two magically-altered mice faced each other.

"What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" said one.

"Same thing we do every night, Pinky," the other replied. "Try to rule the world!"

*************

In Milwakuee, the author looks at this story and thinks about whether to continue it. "Naaaaaaahhhhhhhhh..." he says.

No, I'm not going to continue this. If anyone else wants to, be my guest. I'd still like to hear any comments anyone has, though.

PAINFUL REVENGE

a RevengeFic by

GARY KLEPPE

All characters are property of those who they are property of, etc. etc.

This fanfic is brought to you by United States Anime Military Contractors, Inc. (No, those initials don't spell anything.) We can pull hammers out of nowhere, but they still cost $3000.00 each.

**************

In a house somewhere in Milwaukee, a man sat at his computer keyboard. "Parts 6 and 7... post, dammit! Connection lost, no carrier? Again?? Must be about the twenty-seventh time..." He proceeded to reboot the computer as he sipped his glass of water. It was just after eight in the evening. His parents were out on their nightly scheduled dog walking, and his sister was working late today. The cat was outside doing whatever the cat did. So he was alone in the house.

Except that he wasn't.

"You sure this is the right address?" came a voice from elsewhere in the house. Another voice answered, "Uh huh. Gary Kleppe, former scientist and college teacher, currently unemployed, 34 years old. Writer of `There Goes The Neighborhood', working on a few other Ranmaverse fics."

Gary poked his head out of his bedroom. "That's me. Who..." In answer to his unfinished question he recognized the two visitors as Ryoga Hibiki and Yusaku Godai. Yusaku was bundled up for the Milwaukee November weather.Ryoga was dressed in his usual manner, seemingly insensitive to the cold.

"Oh gawd..." Gary said, in a tone he had gotten from watching the Black Adder too many times. "... why me?" he asked rhetorically. "You mean all those stories on the net were true? No wonder Stan didn't show up for Champions this week. Hey, don't step on all those papers on my floor! Some of them have important stuff on them. I'll sort 'em all out someday."

"Guess you know why we're here" said Yusaku. "We're here to pay back fanfic writers like you for what they've done to us. We started with the people on the mailing list, but now we're getting around to the ones who just post on r.a.a.c ."

"OK, but why you two?"

"Hey, this is the first one of these I've been on. People just aren't doing Ikkoku fanfics. Hundreds of Ranmaverse ones, plenty of Urusei Yatsuras, but I can count the Ikkoku fics on one hand. There was one where I get killed. Then I got to do a lemon. But was it with Kyoko? Even Kozue for God's sake?
No! I was doing it in a lemon with Akemi! And people wonder why we get pissed? Now I just did your crossover. I had my big chance with Kyoko at the end, and you had me blow it!"

"Don't give away the ending. At least I gave you your big chance in the first place. Hey, you guys must be thirsty after coming this far. How about a glass of water, Ryoga?" Gary threw his glass of water in Ryoga's face. It did not transform him into P-Chan, or change him in any other way except for making him somewhat annoyed.

"Nice try," said Ryoga. "But we're way ahead of you. I was expecting somebody to try that long before now. I came prepared. I used the single-use instant nannichuan powder on myself before I left. As for why I'm here, I was just comic relief in your first story, as if it needed it, and I don't do very well in `She Knows?', the one you're writing next. So I've come with a little present for you." He held up a bucket filled with liquid.

"Spring of drowned girl water?" asked Gary.

"No, we used up most of that on the mailing list authors. This is a little something different. You like using P-Chan in your stories?" he said, baring his fang-like teeth with his face lit from the sides for dramatic effect.

"Aw, no, not that stuff! I've never wanted to be a little piggy!"

"At least we're offering you a choice. That's more than I ever got."

"What choice?"

"How's your love life?" Yusaku asked, changing the subject.

"It's more like a `death' right now" replied Gary. "I don't know any women I'm interested in at the moment. I was involved with one for several years, but that relationship pretty much died out."

"Maybe I could help get things going again."

"Well, lotsa luck, pal. She lives in Virginia around the DC area. Let me know how it goes, willya? She hasn't even called me to say hi for almost a year now."

"As I said," continued Ryoga, "we're offering you a choice. You get to choose one of us. Either you let Yusaku try to help with your love life, or you let me pour the water of drowned pig on you. Then we can do some Takahashi-esque slapstick." Gary cringed at the thought of this. His body wouldn't be anything close to as resilient as Ryoga's, to make the understatement of the year.

"Don't forget the third choice" added Yusaku.

"That's right. Somebody else from the Ranmaverse is coming, should be here any second. Your third choice is to accept this character as your personal assistant."

"That sounds better than the other two choices." There's gotta be a catch, thought Gary. Is it Happosai? He'd be nothing but trouble. Nah, couldn't be. He wouldn't agree to do that job in the first place. Kodachi? Shampoo? Good to stare at if nothing else. Akane? Fine as long as I keep her away from the kitchen. Kuno? A windbag but not a bad guy. "Actually I think I could get along with any of the characters from Ranma..."

A new arrival was heard. "Master Hibiki! Your loyal ninja servant has arrived! Ow! Who put this chair here for me to trip over?"

"...except this one" Gary added. Sasuke the Ninja was the one regular in the Ranma anime that he just could not stand. A one-dimensional idiot who belonged in saturday morning kiddie cartoons. The one character who Gary had promised himself he would never use in a fanfic.

"Those are your choices" said Ryoga. "And if you're thinking of just not choosing, remember that we can travel to any reality. We could bring in a certain character from your Champions campaign universe. She's just dying to meet you in person!"

"Not... her?" Gary actually wasn't sure which character Ryoga meant, but considering the possibilities, it wouldn't be a good idea to find out. Anime characters were bad enough; nobody in the real world would be able to deal with a full-fledged supervillain, least of all him.

"Pick me, and you might hit the jackpot" said Yusaku. "I can get you your big chance with that girl."

Yeah, and put me in a situation where I'll blow it like I had you do, thought Gary. Been there, done that. Plenty of times. These guys are out for revenge. Help with my love life, yeah right. If I'm gonna screw up, I'd rather do it on my own. At least that way I'll have a chance.

What these guys were offering was a choice of pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, or pain in the ass. Three alternatives that all suck. The presidential election all over again. Got to find another choice.

This was nothing more than a good cop/bad cop scenario here. Yusaku Godai, the good cop; a character that Gary genuinely liked and had felt sorry for. One that could have been him ten years or so ago, except that Yusaku would eventually succeed. There but for the lack of grace of God go I. Ryoga Hibiki, trying his best to be the bad cop; someone who Gary also liked and sympathized with (until now), always trapped in an inescapable web of trouble, (mostly) not of his own making. And Sasuke, who was being... Sasuke. The idiot cop. The Barney Fife of the group.

"Quit babbling with your internal monologue and get on with it!" yelled Ryoga.

"Okay, okay! But why are you going after fanfic writers?" asked Gary.

"Do you know how much trouble you people have put all of us through? How many times we've been through hell because of you people?" said Ryoga angrily.

"A guy like me will write maybe ten or twenty fanfics in his lifetime. We're small potatoes. Why don't you go after the writer who's really put you through hell so many times. The one who's caused you so much trouble for so long in so many ways!"

"Mark Latus? We're still looking for him" replied Ryoga.

"No, not him. I'm not talking about just you. I'm talking about all of you."

"No," put in Yusaku, "you don't mean... her?"

"Who had you fall in love with Kyoko, but had somebody get in the way everytime you got close to her? Ryoga, who gave you your terrible sense of direction? Who gave you your vendetta against Ranma, but never let you beat him? Who turned you into a pig? Who gave you a crush on Akane, but put you in
a situation where you couldn't be honest with her about your pig curse?"

Other characters from Ranma and other series started arriving out of nowhere.

"Yeah! She gave me this stupid curse that turns me into a girl!"

"She hitched me up with Lum, so I can't play around with the babes!"

"She has engineered cruel twists of fate that have thwarted at every turn my attempts to rightfully win the love of Akane Tendo and the Pig-Tailed Girl!"

"She had my husband Soichiro pass away only six months after we were married!"

"She has kept me away from the side of my darling Ranma-sama. The Black Rose will make her pay! HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!!!"

"She sent this alien in a tiger-striped bikini to take Ataru away from me!"

"She make Shampoo engaged to Ranma, but never let Ranma say he love me!"

"She gave me the mermaid meat. I had to wander Japan for five hundred years before I found anyone else like me."

"She gave me this voodoo doll and candles, but... they never work... and I can't get Akane to even talk to me..."

"She made my mom an alcoholic, and put me in with an apartment house full of weirdos!"

"She made me in love with a woman who treats me like dirt, then turned me into a duck!"

"Darling is always unfaithful to me because of her!"

"Ran-chan and I will only ever be friends because of her!"

"She made me afraid of dogs, because Kyoko has a dog!"

"Hey! Don't step on the papers!"

Soon it seemed that the entire casts of Ranma, Ikkoku, and Urusei Yatsura were present in the house. Gary also saw the boxer and nun from One-Pound Gospel, Yuzuru and his girlfriend what's-her-name from Laughing Target, and Maris the Chojo who looked REALLY pissed. Also some kid who just kept saying something about needing to get back to his newspaper route.

"We are united!" they said in unison. "We are mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore! TREMBLE, TAKAHASHI-SAMA! WE ARE COMING FOR YOU!!!!"

Suddenly a laugh was heard out of nowhere. It was a feminine, free-spirited laugh, one that carried a wave of reality distortion that swept unstoppably over everyone. The universe itself was trembling. Ryoga vanished out of existence and was replaced by a vaguely P-Chan shaped slug. Mousse turned into a mouse, as did Ranma. Ikuko Otonashi became a rugrat, while her aunt Kyoko became an ant. Kodachi became the Black Rose, literally, while her brother was struck by blue thunder and reduced to powder.

"So, she really is a Kami," thought Gary, "at least as far as these people are concerned." The anime characters continued to transform, one by one, until none was left.

Well, one was left.

"Master Kleppe, shall I assist you in cleaning up this mess, sir? A loyal ninja always follows orders!"

"Oh gawd..."

Gary swept up the various transformed characters into a bag while Sasuke bumbled around the house. After determining that hot water would not bring them back (no surprise), he dumped them outside by the garbage. Then he took Sasuke outside.

"You survived this because you aren't an actual Takahashi character" Gary said. "You have another chance. But you're gonna have to learn to act like a Takahashi character if you want to carry on. You're gonna have to practice."

"I will try my best, Master Kleppe!"

"Good. Now practice being like Ryoga."

"I beg your pardon, sir? In what way?"

"Get lost!" Gary slammed the door on Sasuke. Pleased with himself, he headed for the bathroom. He was so pleased with himself that he didn't notice the bucket of water that was now on top of the bathroom door, until he opened the door and the water came down on him. The bucket came down squarely on his head a few seconds after the water, in apparant defiance of the laws of physics. Faintly but distinctly, he heard the laugh again as he felt himself changing. He climbed up to the bathroom mirror, which normally would have been at head level, and looked at his new body.

"Bwee! Bu-kee!" he said. Then he noticed a large crowd of figures towering over him from behind.

"Nice try, again" said Ryoga. "Did you really think we'd turn against our creator? Who do you think has been sending us out to deal with you fanfic authors anyway?"

"Okay," said Yusaku, "listen up, everybody. Time to choose up sides. Since we're in the US, we're gonna go outside and have a game of football. Or, as they used to say in this country, we're gonna kick around the old pigskin. A certain friend of this guy will be here in a few minutes. She'll be the
place-kicker."

You have to go through a lot of pain when you're a fanfic author. But it's worth it.

** THE END **